Admit it! You're thinking about doing one of these in the next few weeks aren't you? Hungover after a midweek silly season session? Before you do, here are a few precautionary steps to secure your glorious day in bed.
Step 1: Make your excuse believable
Phoning in to say you've caught rabies might not go down too well, so it's important to make your excuse plausible. The most common ailments usually are a flu, fever, or 'stomach woes' aka the shits. Your excuse should be something that isn't life threatening, but is bad enough to prevent your trip to work today. So make sure you get the balance right.
Step 2: Try plan your sicky for the midweek
Saying you're sick on a Monday or a Friday may alert suspicion of someone trying to grab a three day weekend.Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday should attract less suspicion.
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Step 3: Send out warning signs
The day before you should make some loud coughing noises, shiver, and look generally miserable the whole day. This will arouse suspicion about your well being and co-workers will confirm 'he wasn't feeling very well' when your boss informs them of your absence.
Step 4: Prepare your phone call
The phone call is the most crucial part, if you mess up here you're finished! You're voice should be deep- somewhere between Sylvester Stallone and Vin Diesel- and make it sound like you're doing them a favour by saying 'you don't want it to spread around'.
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Step 5: Cover your tracks on social media
If you're friends with colleagues on Facebook, you're best not to spend too long logged in. If you're trying to cover up a hangover, message your friends not to tag you in any pictures. You should also send out a tweet saying how miserable you're feeling, just to cover all the bases.
Step 6: Return not yet fully recovered
Upon returning back to your workplace you want to give the impression that you're still not well, but are 'on the mend'. Soak up all their sympathy, let out a cough or sneeze, and say 'I probably shouldn't have come in today but I didn't want to let you guys down.' Leave packets of tissues and Strepsils carelessly lying around just in case.
Step 7: Laugh evilly to yourself
You've successfully managed to deceive an entire workplace, so why not secretly celebrate the evil deed? Go sit yourself down in a dark room, twiddle you fingers, and repeat: “MWAAA HAAAA HAAAA HAAAA HAAA!!!!!!!”-ad nauseam.
