Every Girls Thought Process During A First Date

A first date is a nerve racking experience, to say the least. What will we talk about? Where will we go? Will it be so awkward I have to fake my cats death just to escape alive? WHY DID I AGREE TO THIS? Well fear not, I'm here to tell you that it's going to be ok. Probably. Worst case scenario, you run away screaming. Best case, you get your bit and everyone's happy. For any of you men out there, sitting opposite a woman, sweating and pondering what the hell is going through her head, read on and discover what she's actually thinking and for all of you ladies, read on and discover that you're not the only mental one out there. Good luck!

1) "Am I too early? Does that seem too eager?"

There's nothing worse than accidentally arriving fifteen minutes early to a date, especially when he's running behind on time. You're left standing there having a premature panic attack, going through every possible shit scenario, all whilst appearing to have been stood up. Do yourself a favour and arrive a couple of minutes late.

2) "What if I don't recognise him?"

This has happened to me and it is exceptionally awkward if he doesn't remember you either. Since most romances nowadays begin among the dry smoke machines of pubs and nightclubs, you'd be forgiven for being a little tipsy and therefore forgetful, when it comes to meeting them for the first time sober. I have two words for you. Facebook creeping.

3) "Oh good, he looks better than I remembered."

There's always that nice moment of surprise when he's easier on the eyes than you remembered. Considering your only memory of his face is a tad blurry, you've set yourself up for the fall, the fall being his face. So when he turns up and doesn't resemble the state you'd imagined, you can only thank your lucky stars.

4) "Oh Christ, what if he thinks I'm worse than he remembered?"

So you've come up trumps in terms of bagging yourself a date with a decent man, now you begin to worry that he won't feel the same. Just because we're plastered in make up and are wiggling our arses to beat the band, does not mean that we're feeling oh so fab, I assure you. If you'd like to compliment her, it'll go a long way.

5) "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Wearing a tight dress seemed like the best idea ever at the time, you'll feel sexy, confident, up for anything. Then ten minutes in, you begin to realise that you can't breathe out without looking pregnant, which, might I add, is NOT a look you should be going for on the first date. Spanx baby.

6) "We're going WHERE?"

All that women ask, is that you don't make us eat in front of you sober until at least the sixth date. There is nothing more cringe worthy and awkward than trying to remain alluring, whilst trying to chew on an overcooked piece of asparagus and of course there's that paralyzing fear that we'll end up with bits of broccoli in our teeth. We don't even like broccoli...

7) "Oh god, what do I say next?"

Conversation with someone you don't know is similar to a game of tennis. A constant back and forth of strenuous effort is required and sometimes all you want to do is omit a loud, exasperated, whale-like, sound. Don't do it. That'll be really awkward.

8) "What if the whole evening goes like this and I'm constantly worrying about what to say next?"

Just because the first few minutes are painful, does not mean that you'll spend the whole evening in agony. I hope, for your sake anyway. If all else fails then fall back on the following topics. The weather, drink, the church, embarrassing stories, 'people passing by' commentary, the weather. Yes, you should be grateful to me.

9) "I'm sweating. What if I have sweat patches?"

'Sure Maximum Protection', is your best friend here. That and wearing cotton. Some of us are sweaty by nature and being forced to play talkies with a strange man, generally doesn't help the situation. Just keep your arms by your sides.

10) "Where's the nearest bar?"

Alcohol makes these situations far more bearable. It shouldn't, but it does. It seems to push the awkward, small talking worries to the back of your now fuzzy mind and brings the walking, talking, hilarious you, to the forefront of everyone's attention.

11) "Oh great, here comes the awkward paying moment."

To me, this is the worst part of all. Trying to split the bill with a virtual stranger never gets any easier. "I'll get this, no I'll get this, no..." EVERYONE JUST STOP BEING SO AWKWARD.

12) "Alcohol makes everything so much less awkward."

By now, you should have settled into a comfortable stage of being drunk and are rapidly becoming an expert at ranting on. You should be blabbering away to your hearts content, not a worry in the world, other than who'll pay for the next drink.

13) "I wonder when he'll go in for the shift?"

So you're a tad drunk, a little merry and a lot in need of the shift? Well pouting at him with your drunk eyes is more than likely not going to work. You're both grown, consenting adults here. Go for it. Just don't burp in his mouth as a friend of mine once did. Not good.

14) "Would it be really slutty if I went home with him?"

The 'sleeping with someone on the first date,' debacle has divided people since the beginning of a looser time. So many people say no, the two of you are basically strangers, they'll see you as being easy, blah blah blahhhhh. Do whatever the fuck you want I say, it's your life after all, make the most of every damn moment and make lots more awkward moments for yourself too.