Riding Bareback: The Morning After (Pill) Fear That Every Guy Goes Through

So us lads all know that sometimes with a little alcohol on board and a lot of testosterone bursting out through our pores wearing a condom isn't always the first thing that comes to mind when we bring a lady friend home. This can have a traumatic effect on your own mental well-being over the next few hours and days. This is a run through of the 6 phases of what has come to be known as the 'full bag fear'

1. The Stride of Pride

Waking up after a good night of sex always puts a spring in your step. Whether you remember it or not is irrelevant, you feel you are doing your duty as a man, sowing your wild oats and spreading the seed.

2. The Realisation

Oh sh*t, I didn't wear a condom...

3. Self-Justification

By now your, still slightly drunk, positive self talk starts to kick in.

"Ah it'll be grand, I pulled out, I definitely pulled out, didn't I?"

"She cant get pregnant if she's on top anyway, that's just gravity like"

"Sure a girl can only get pregnant on about 5 days of every month anyway, no way I was that unlucky!"

"She's probably on the pill, so its graaaaand!"

4. Panic

As your air of slightly drunk air of positivity begins to wear off you enter into a deep state of panic.

"Aw no, I definitely didn't pull out! What was I thinking!"

"I took swimming lessons in transition year, my sperm will be like Michael Phelps swimming up to that egg!!"

"I'm going to be a daddy, changing nappies for the rest of my life"

5. The Madcap Idea's

The feelings of distress begin to get the better of you and you go into avoidance mode.

"I have to leave the country, Dubai seems nice, she will never find me there"

You frantically search google for the best ways to "fake your own death"

6. The Resolution

You finally come to your senses and pluck up the courage to send her a text, because a phone call would be far too awkward obviously.

"So eh, I think maybe you should get the morning after pill cause I didn't wear a johnny last night..."

As you wait for the reply a million thoughts rush through your head, you go through the full gamut of emotions all over again, and then... buzzzz buzzzz

You get a message...