So you’ve secured her digits on a night out or matched with her on Tinder. Well done. But that was the easy part. Now is when the hard work really starts. Play your cards right and the object of your desires will be halfway to being wooed and it won't be long before you actually meet up. Mess it up, and this textual intercourse is going to climax prematurely. No pressure or anything...
1. Timing Is Everything.
Certain times work better than others when it comes to flirty banter. 11am on a Tuesday? Forget about it. She’s almost certainly going to be too busy / tired / distracted for sparks to fly. 9.30pm on a Thursday, on the other hand? Scientifically proven as the optimal texting time of the week. Her day is done, it’s almost the weekend and she’s automatically going to be more relaxed and chilled out. Work your magic, young man.
2. Nobody Likes An Eager Beaver.
So you’re not into playing games? Then you’re an idiot. Everyone plays games, and if you don’t, you’re simply going to lose. Don’t be too quick to fire off that reply. Try to leave an interval of at least double digits – fifteen minutes is a good rule of a thumb. Remember, you want to give the impression of a sharp, cool young buck who’s busy and active. Not someone who’s spent the past half hour hunched over WhatsApp checking when the object of their desires was last seen. For example, I mean... Naturally, she’ll almost certainly be doing the exact same thing to you in turn. So be it. War makes beasts of us all.
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3. Humour Is Your Friend.
Don’t be boring! Girls like to laugh, and they like guys who can make them laugh even more. Yes, you may well have spent most of your day in lectures or grappling with reports, but she doesn’t really want to hear about that. Instead, why don’t you tell her about how you overslept, had to run for the bus and spent half the morning wearing your jumper inside out before realising. The more self-depreciating, the better. She’ll appreciate that you don’t take life – or yourself – too seriously. If you genuinely are a hopelessly humourless oaf who wouldn’t know a joke if it abducted you in a white van and imprisoned you in its cellar for a decade, at the very least include the occasional ‘lol’ or ‘hahahaha’ in your texts. She’ll inevitably still think you're a cretin, but you might get some points for trying...
4. Sexting Is A Dangerous Game.
Sexting is a subject all to itself. For now, lads, just remember to tread carefully. Less is always more, especially when it’s early texting days. Yes, yes, yes: you have needs, urges and a functioning set of genitals. Shockingly, she probably does too. Crucially, this doesn’t give you carte blanche to go 'sticky-fingered text creep' right from the word go. If you feel the vibe is right, a potentially suggestive text is always a wiser choice than full on explicitness. "Finally in bed after a long day. Could do with a cuddle :)" works fine. You could practically show that to your parents. "Horny 2 fuk, wish I was balls deep inside u," by sharp contrast, is considerably less likely to contribute to your texting resulting in an actual date. Or even a reply, for that matter. And on the off-chance it does, I see a sheepish visit to an STI clinic in your immediate future.
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5. Lying Is Immoral.
... But bending the truth slightly isn’t half as bad, especially when it comes to establishing your biography with your current text interest. Yes, you may technically still be working in a minimum wage job and living at home with your parents long after you’ve graduated. Really, though, you’re just finishing saving so you can fund that trip to Goa and finally satisfy that craving for volunteer work that you’ve had since Transition Year. Aren’t you? Likewise, your last significant relationship might – strictly speaking – have ended after you were caught in the smoking area of Coppers wrapped around someone else like an anaconda at dinner time. Arguably, though, you were simply the mature one in the couple who had the courage to realise that you were growing in opposite directions and both wanted different things in life. With you, specifically, wanting Food Science undergraduate Laura (20) from Athy.
6. Ration The Emojis.
Used sparingly and discerningly, these colourful and characterful symbols can hit the right spot with a girl like a sniper’s bullet. The three little speak no evil / hear no evil / see no evil monkeys, in particular, can lend a teasingly playful tone to all manner of texted depravity. Allegedly. But overpopulate your messages with emoji at your peril. Too many of those little guys can transform your texting image in an instant, from cheeky charmer to pubescent One Direction fan. She won’t like that. Unless, of course, she is a pubescent One Direction fan. In which case this guide, like the rest of your internet browsing history, may be featured in a district court near you very soon.
7. And Finally...
Take it easy on the pet names to start with. When you’ve been going out with a girl for ages and you’re comfortable enough to wear tracksuits and fart in front of each other, it’s time to get out them cutesy nicknames like 'babes' and 'hun', which are begrudgingly acceptable. Whatever turns you two on. But doing it during the early texting stage is fatal. In your mind, you’re a witty conversationalist; subverting traditional romantic mores by employing verbal intimacy so soon. In reality, Bronagh (6km away) will have her initial suspicions of you being an utter cock confirmed beyond doubt when you refer to her as babe within twenty minutes of matching on Tinder. Don’t. Just don’t.
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