Hair, Diets And Loud Sex: Things That Only You Will Know About Your Housemate

In an ideal world, we'd all live in fabulous rooftop apartments with nobody to bother us but Netflix, the food delivery man and the occasional overnight guest. Alas, that is not real life... or should I say, that is not real student life. Student life is about living with friends, foes and people that you see once every six weeks on the way to the shower. You learn a worrying amount about people when you're living together (generally not good) and vice versa. Here are a few things that only you will know about your housemate...

1) How Much Hair They Shed

There is nothing more repulsive to me than hopping into the shower to cleanse yourself and coming across enough pubes and split ends to make a wig. Dear housemates, please pick up your disgusting matted hairball and throw it in the bin. Easy.

2) How Often They Have Sex

Ahhh the thin wall phenomenon. There's no greater joy in life than having to listen to your housemate having the ride of their life, one metre away from you. Attempting to put on a neutral face the next day over tea and cornflakes is the most difficult part of it all.

3) How Terrible Their Diet Is

You think you know someone and then they shop in Iceland and shatter the dream. Why? Because, aside from being how Kerry Katona makes a living, Iceland is the place where fresh, non-breaded food goes to die. Also, disgusting food habits are enough to break a man. I'm talking pies in cans, loud chewing, cereal six-times-a-day and drinking Coca Cola for breakfast. Ew.

4) The State Of Their Sleeping Pattern

Night owls versus morning risers. Which are you? Conflicting ones never make for great housemates, I assure you. I am a night owl and can safely say that anyone who rises before 6am should be shot. Or you know, be quiet...

5) How Often They Wash Their Clothes/ Bedsheets

How often someone washes their crusty bedsheets says a hell of a lot about them. Realistically, that'll probably happen once every two months, if you're lucky. If, however, you know for a fact that they haven't done so for seven months and counting, carry antibacterial hand wash at all times while in their company.

6) How Often They Shower

Hopefully once a day. There is no exception to this rule unless they're very hungover, cold or sick. Otherwise, you can just brand them as smelly scummy bastards and move on with your life. Harsh? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely.

7) The Types Of Bedmates They Bring Home At 4am

They might not remember them clearly, but you sure as shit do. In fact, through the walls, you've figured out their name, age, place of origin and roughly how much they weigh. Which is a lot more than your housemate can tell you.

8) How Comfortable They Are With Mould

Mould and laziness go hand in hand, a perfect fit similar to peanut butter and jelly, Chandler and Joey, tea and biscuits. Where there is mould, there is generally some lazy fuck sitting on the couch, oblivious to the pile of rotting dishes they've strategically balanced in the sink.

9) How (Un)Sociable They Are

There are two very different types of people you may end up living with at one stage or another. The first is the unsociable hermit upon whom you will lay eyes only once in a blue moon (usually when they're stocking up on food). They set up permanent residence in their bedroom, gathering dust while doing God knows what for God knows how long. The second is the social butterfly. This one will come home only for sleep or loud, drunk sex. If not recovering from a 'mad one', they're in the process of preparing for their next 'mad one'. On one level, you kind of wish you were this person, but you're also aware that if you were, you'd probably be dead by now.

10) The Current Status Of Their Bank Balance

Broke, skint, eating beans on beans for four days straight OR surrounded by mountains of receipts, an overflowing wardrobe and an expensive social life. Either one has the ability to annoy and induce jealousy in equal measure. As a general rule of thumb, never lend anything to the scrounging, constantly broke one and never try to keep up with the affluent asshole. Both will lead to a sad outcome, I assure you.

11) The Ins And Outs Of Their Love Life

Whether they're a single pringle who's ready to mingle or a fully-fledged member of the lonely hearts club, you're bound to know the complex mechanics of their relationship status. This could involve weird Tinder dates showing up to your house, their other half unofficially moving in, or trying in vain to pry an ice-cream tub from their hands on Valentine's Day. Whatever works.

12) How Serenading Their Singing Is

Singing in the rain, I'm singing in the rain. No Dave, you're singing in the shower, but that's basically the same thing anyway. Singing when you're cooking, cleaning, reading, studying, creeping - these are all very real and very common. Unless you have the voice of a thousand angels being massaged with marshmallows, I'd really prefer it if you stopped. Now.

13) Their Weirdest And Most Repulsive Habits

Toenail clippings on the carpet, empty milk cartons in the fridge, nail-biting, brushing their hair in the kitchen, never ever washing up. Yes, even typing this is making me angry. It's amazing how even the most 'together' of people can harbour the oddest of habits. Some say odd, some say disgusting. It's all the same.

14) Their Taste In Music/ Films/ Porn/ Games

This one is more a matter of taste. Good taste. If you end up living with someone who has a strong and very passionate love for advanced deep house techno (is that real?), loud Chinese porn or GTA at five o'clock in the morning, you may have yourself a problem. Because while you can change yourself, you can't change anyone else. Which is something I've learned the hard way....

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