Unfairly or fairly, whatever way you look at it, men are usually the ones in the firing line for cheating. The very word 'cheat' brings to mind smutty men scuttling around hotel rooms, with three phones and a lonely wife at home. That, my friends, is a very narrow-minded line of thought. Women are just as capable of cheating, of that much I'm sure. A lack of a penis does not equal a lack of wanting to stray. If you suspect that your girlfriend is doing the dirt on you, I'm here to help. Here are some definite signs to look out for. Oh and sorry, but she's a cheating bitch... you deserve better.
1) She Acts Cold And Distant For No Apparent Reason
Girls, as I'm sure you know, are not good at hiding their feelings. If something is bothering us, it takes a lot to bottle it up and put on a brave face. This is also true if she's cheating on you. She'll be racked with guilt, remorse and may also want to dump you for her new hot chico. Naturally, she'll react by not dumping you, but by keeping you at arms length and treating you as she would her bills. Coldly.
2) She Keeps Her Phone By Her Side At All Times
*Beep beep.* Phone goes off and so too does her spy mode. She gets up from whatever it is she's doing and launches herself face first onto her weapon of deceit. That's if it's actually more than twenty centimeters from her in the first place. Here's a simple test: ask to borrow her phone. No self-respecting cheat would ever agree to that kind of carry on. Caught out!
3) She Buys You Random Shit For No Apparent Reason (Other Than Guilt)
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Does she turn from cold-hearted monster into generous giver overnight? Yeah, she's probably a cheat. The guilt that comes with cheating can overwhelm someone and she probably feels that by treating you to shit that you mentioned in passing six months ago, she still loves and cares for you. Lies. We know your game lady.
4) She Answers Her Phone Calls In Another Room
Sure, we all feel the need to have a private phone conversation from time to time, but if she leaves the room every time 'Tara' rings, then you can pretty much assume that Tara is Tom. That and the fact that you've never actually heard her mention a Tara before this...
5) Her Friends' Conversation Stops The Minute You Enter The Room
This means that the girls are in on it too. This means that the end of your relationship is near and you're straight up in the firing line. If she's told her friends about it, then the 'affair' of sorts is pretty far along in the grand scheme of things. This means two things. One, you need to end it first and retain some form of dignity and two, her friends are a shower of bitches. But then you kind of knew that anyway.
6) She Regularly Mentions The Names Of Men You've Never Heard Of
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John, Adam, Jack, you have heard of Brian. No, you haven't heard of Brian, but she certainly looks as though she has. If not talking about the great times that she's spent with them, she's texting them, mentioning future plans and generally just leaving you feeling like a massive tit.
7) She Has A Suspicious Number Of Male Friends On Social Media
If over 70% of her online friends are male, then I'd be a little concerned. Sure, we all harbour online friends that we'd never dream of speaking to in real life, but if she's come down with a scourge also known as 'Facebook flirting syndrome', then it's a whole other ball game. Minus your balls of course.
8) She Never Brings You On Nights Out
Why the hell would she, when she can dress up minus a few layers, lash on the make up and get a large variety of free drinks in exchange for some face slobbering. Sounds like the best night ever, if you ask me. You'd be nothing more than an inconvenience to her, I'm afraid to say.
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9) She Has Crazy Mood Swings (Way Above The Norm)
Loves you one minute, detests you the next, crying, laughing, hot, cold, up and down, this girl has issues and you're at the receiving end of them. If you wake up not knowing what kind of mood she'll be in and hormones aren't to blame, then you my friend, are being hustled.
10) She Never, Ever Initiates Sex With You
Well when she's getting it from seven (Jesus) other men, then why would she go back to safe, stable you? If she's actually so unimaginative that she uses excuses such as 'I'm tired' and 'I have a headache', then all is lost. I'm very sorry.
11) She Gets Frustrated When You Ask Her More Than Three Consecutive Questions
Why do you interrogate her? Want to know everything about her? What is your problem? Well, your problem is that you're now 100% convinced that your girlfriend is a cheating conniving liar, but you're kind of hoping that she'll crack and admit this herself under tough interrogation. Which, considering how clearly not subtle she is, shouldn't be too difficult.
Chin up pal, you can do better. Plenty more fish and all that!
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