Breaking up isn't easy to do. Otherwise we'd all be breaking up and moving on on a weekly basis. No, breaking up with someone is difficult, upsetting and just generally shit all round. Unless you're been scorned badly, it doesn't feel good or satisfying, but on this occasion we're going down the line of wanting to get cold hard revenge on someone. They've hurt you, made you look like a fool, betrayed you and this is where College Times comes into it. You see, location is key to breaking up success and so we've rounded up the best places to dump someone and by someone we mean that dickhead who's been nothing but awful to you. You can thank us when you're single and happy...
1) In The Cinema
This works a treat because the cinema is a classic date location. This makes your other half think that you're treating them to a good old fashioned date, when instead, you're leaving them high, dry and lonely, reeling from the news of their impending single status. If you really want to hit their sweet spot, pick a good mushy movie, get a few bags of sweets, let the cinema fill up and just before the movie starts, whisper the news to them softly before skipping off into the sunset. The End.
2) At A Family Function
Oh shit, you're really in deep if you've been invited along to family functions and the like. You need to play this one carefully. If they've cheated on you, then I suggest outing them to their entire family, Grandparents included. Let them know that their sweet little angel isn't all that. But to really carry this off with (some) grace, you must remain sober, sane and totally in control. Drop it like it's hot and then smoothly slink away like the sultry snake that you are.
3) While Out For A Run
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First and foremost, congratulations on the running, where do you get your motivation from? Can I borrow some of it? Anyway, go for a run together. When you're about one kilometer in, drop the D bomb. Then, do as any sane and responsible adult would. Run the fuck away with as much dignity as you can muster. Hold that head up high. (Also, the one kilometer part is essential as you still want to look good while dumping/ running away.)
4) In Their Favourite Place
Such an evil yet cunning plan. This will forever taint the memories that they hold of such a treasured place . It could be a cafe, museum, park, their bed. You're not just ending a relationship with them, you're effectively ending the bond they hold so dearly with their place of worship. Take that.
5) At The Airport
Cruel, oh so very cruel. Yes, you're throwing away a holiday here, but if you really want to hit them where it hurts, then do it. Do it right before you board the plane and watch as their sex plans for the next five days crumble around them. There's no excitement like airport 'about to go on holidays' excitement, after all. Duty free won't be half as fun when their tears prevent them from seeing the special offers on Calvin Klein.
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6) In A Bar/ Restaurant
Ideally, you should leave when the food arrives so that they'll be stuck with loads of food and a bad taste in their mouth. That said, as a fellow eater I'm aware that walking away from food is far more difficult than walking away from any relationship. The same can be said for a good stiff drink. Still, the very sight of them sitting alone with two plates of food, three sides and four drinks, not to mention a hefty bill, should more than make up for a rumbling stomach.
7) At The Zoo
"What a lovely setting for a date", they'll think to themselves when you suggest it. Fluffy animals, cute kids, broken hearts, it's the perfect combination. They'll never again look at pandas with the kind of joy that one should hold in their hearts for a panda. What a shame...
8) In A Club
There is a slight risk here in that they're likely to be quite drunk and so might actually forget that you've dumped them. Which would be really awkward, because then you'd have to dump them all over again. Clubs also tend to be loud and they might accidentally think that you're professing your love to them. Which, in hindsight, would really be quite awful. If, however, your plan goes to plan. then you can skip off and dance your evil little heart out and everything will be good in the world once again.
9) In The Chipper
Maybe the alcohol has pushed you here, maybe you couldn't pluck up the courage to do it earlier, maybe their annoying face finally got the better of you out in the cold hard light of the chipper. Whatever the reason, you've snapped and decided that now is the time to cut the cord and snip their little heart strings once and for all. Be wise though. Wait until you're at the top of the queue and they've paid for your food. Then swoop in with your heartbreaking speech and leave them with nothing but taco cheese fries and a million scattered emotions.
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