Ladies, I think I speak for us all when I say, we regularly find ourselves making a lot of choices before sex that we often seem to end up regretting. No, not our choices of men - though, that can be debated thoroughly in a separate article. We just never seem to learn or adapt. Why is that? Why is it that the thoughts a girl has before sex are so absolutely out there cray cray that if anyone knew we would be excommunicated from civil society...
Maybe some day we will begin to learn from our previous foolish choices and become experts in the act of sex...
1. “What’s his penis going to look like?”
2. “I hope he doesn’t refer to his penis as a cock.”
3. “Is it too forward to ask if he has an STIs?”
4. “Oh god, I really hope he keeps the lights off. LIGHTS ON IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE FOR THE FIRST TIME.”
5. “Is he the type to make the first move or should I just be waiting with my pants off?”
6. “I really hope he’s not one of those ‘let’s change to a new position every two seconds’ kind of guy. LET ME ENJOY THE MOMENT FOR A BIT...”
7. “Should I create a Spotify playlist for this?”
8. “Is The Weeknd too passionate?”
9. “Is R. Kelly inappropriate to put on here?”
10. “OMG what if I Believe I Can Fly comes on?”
11. “I really hope he’s not the type to think spitting on my vagina is attractive.”
12. “I have achieved naked mole rat status, thank you European Wax Center.”
13. “Is my underwear matching?”
14. “Should I light candles? Does anyone light candles anymore?”
15. “If we accidentally have a kid, I hope it doesn’t get his nose.”
16. “But it can definitely get those dimples. Or those eyes.”
17. “Oh god, did I just jinx us?”
18. “I DON’T WANT KIDS RIGHT NOW. I DON’T WANT KIDS.”
19. “Should I turn my family photos away?”
20. “Would he notice if I called my best friend really quick and updated her on every single thing we’re doing right now?”
21. “Will I kill the mood if I pee before we get started?”
22. “Ok well, I have to remember to pee after because I saw what happened to Sarah when she got that UTI.”
23. “Oh god, my walls are so thin.”
24. “ENJOY THE SHOW, MARY!”
25. “Wait, FUCK when is my period due?”
26. “Is he gonna spend the night?”
27. “I need to fall asleep to a podcast, so I hope he finds that as soothing as I do.”
