Life is shit. There, I said it. We're broke, unemployed, in a swimming pool load of debt and about as unsure of everything as a living, breathing human ever could be. We're being bombarded with pictures of ex-classmates travelling the world, snorkeling, shitting in jungles and being general crazy cats, all while we lie in our battered beds eating Doritos and crying over the love that we'll never receive from Ryan Gosling and it's all gotten a bit dark my friends, so very dark indeed. Here's what to do if you feel as though your life has turned to shit:
1) Money, Money...Money?
So, we haven't got two spare cents to rub together, teabags are our only source of nutrition and we've committed to at least six weekends away in the next four months with nine big ones currently sitting in your bank account, but, according to the bile society spits out, at least you have your youth. Screw youth, I'd prefer to be old and able to eat comfortably for a week without borrowing another sneaky tenner from my sister's wallet, to be honest.
After what was bound to be an inspirational few years spent dwindling your life away in college, you're probably crying as you hate people more and more with every passing day in your soul-sucking part time job but you know what, this will pass. Soon you'll be working Monday to Friday for marginally more money and wearing tailored trousers too. WINNING.
2) Adios Amigos
Although the bankers apparently ruined 87% of the population's life in general, it didn't really bother us all that much because alcohol remained much the same in price and that's all we needed to make it through four years unscathed. Then final exams rolled around and we entered the big, bad and frankly, sad world that was reality and the vast majority of our friends decided to piss off to a climate where they could get an actual tan and leave us here, bloated and broke.
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Not to worry though, at least we have somewhere to visit now, oh wait, I don't have any money. *Cries all over Skyscanner.*
3) Parental Pressure
You can't really blame our parents for wanting us to succeed, the pushy bastards. After all, they just remortgaged their house, lived on bread and water and worked seven jobs to get you here. And then they proceed to feel anxious when you don't get a job straight away. Jesus on a bike, the travesty.
Try to assure that them that, in a similar style to your school days, everyone's as screwed as you are and therefore, it's somehow less of a big deal. We're all in this together and so I'm not the only failure at life. See? Model behaviour.
4) Session Depression
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When things get tough, it's the little things in life that pick you up and makes everything more tolerable. Enter a glitter and tear filled night, stage left. That feeling of sticking on your fake eyelashes, of spiking up your greasy little head, of putting on miniature stilts, well nothing beats it really. The anticipation, the thrill, the question of what this night will bring, just lingering in the air.
Then suddenly it's 4pm and you're crying along in bed surrounded by pizza crusts, the smell of shame and sorrow lingering around you like a creepy man and the session depression kicks in and you're back to square one. Battle through friends, there's always next weekend.
5) What is love? ( Baby don't hurt me, no more.)
Relationships in your early, shit filled twenties are similar to driving really fast in an '89 Ford Fiesta and braking every 15 seconds, They make your stomach ache, your head spin and occasionally, you might need to vomit. You sign up for a simple, carefree ride and instead come away with four new enemies and a huge dent to your ego. And let's face it, the sex wasn't even that good to begin with, so now you have to come to terms with the fact that you signed away your single and frankly, much easier life, for a few drunken shags and thought provoking Facebook check-ins.
Take a good, hard look at yourself and your choices pal, then sign the fuck up to Tinder and shave your legs because the only way is up. At least, I hope...
6) Social Media Envy
I have now come to the stage in my life whereby whenever I'm feeling like shit (frequently), I turn as far away from social media as is humanly possible to avoid seeing people I generally dislike shoving their brunches and bar hopping loudly in my sad little face. I get that you're having the hashtag best weekend ever in Paris with your hashtag one true love, but I'm washing up week old mugs of tea and feeling unhopeful about everything, so jog on and leave me be. Please?
*Feeling blessed*
