Work - the bane of our collective existence. But fret not fellow proletarians, because you can navigate your nine to five with our extensive guide on how to avoid doing anything at work.
1) Walk hurriedly back and forth
Never stop long enough for someone to ask what your doing, this is key. Also furrow that brow, look like you don't have time go to the toilet. This is a good way to get some exercise done at work.
2) Go to the toilet repeatedly
For added realism take a few laxatives.
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3) Pretend the work is stressing you out, throw a hissy fit and storm out
Make like you're too angry with your work situation. You need some time to clear your head. Hopefully your colleagues will be too scared to ask you to do anything.
4) Offer to make tea
Tea anyone? Wait an hour and repeat. And if there's a milk shortage volunteer to get some. Another 20 minutes out of your day - easy.
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5) Social Media
Obvious to most, the trick here is trying to make out like your actually working which can be hard when your guffawing at your mates drunken WhatsApp messages.
6) Use traffic to your advantage
"Jaysus, traffic was chronic this morning, that's why I'm late. I have to leave at half four... y'know get out before the traffic, God the traffic. I really hate the traffic". *Shakes fist at sky.*
7) Pretend meetings
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Be as vague as possible with the details don't mention any names i.e. "I have to meet with someone from the New York branch, yeah they want to discuss quarterly reports for the year, look its a pain in the ass but someone's got to do it".
8) Pretend phone calls
No I can't get those spreadsheets done, I'M ON THE PHONE! Sorry Dave, you were saying?
9) Hide
Basic physics tells us that if your co-workers cannot find you they cannot give you work.
10) Quit
Look it's a bit of a gamble but hey, the rewards are there if you're brave enough.
