15 Things We Need To Discuss After Last Night's Bake Off
The wheels of time whir on. Another week has passed and another Tuesday evening has been spent with the eyes of millions firmly glued to a television watching a horde of amateur bakers in a marquee, and it was absolutely brilliant. Anyone who contests that The Great British Bake Off isn't the single greatest piece of art that humanity has ever produced is a joyless cretin. Episode 3 was bread week and it was majestic. Here are 15 talking points that have arisen from its majesty.
1) There are so many types of bread:
It happens every bread week on Bake Off. It constantly amazes me just how many types of bread there are and how few of them I'm aware of. Beyond the fact that they questionably annexed tea-cakes (shit scones) into the world of bread this week, I had never heard of or seen a cottage loaf. Will the revelation of this vaguely new form of bread have any effect on my life? Probably not. Does it add to the feeling that I was the centre of some childhood conspiracy where I was kept hidden from everything the world of bread really had to offer? Yes.
2) Tom swims in lochs:
Tom is a beautiful man. He is a beautiful man who apparently swims in lochs, for fun. The brief clip of him, neoprene-clad, gloriously scything through the water seemed like an ad for Visit Scotland. Forget coming for the beautiful highlands; forget coming to catch sight of Nessie - whose existence has been entirely fabricated by the tourist board for cynical commercial gain - the real draw is the image of this wondrously preened metrosexual ploughing through the waves, Visit Scotland.
3) My love for Julia grows ever stronger:
Something of a personal saga here. I believe I am in love with Julia. I was broken hearted last week to find out that she has a husband, with whom she co-owns a dog. This week though we found out that she has been married for three years. I consider that to still be early days and if she ever becomes frustrated with Brexit making Britain a hostile environment for migrants to live, I will be more than happy to hold the door to EU citizenship back open with the offer of a Visa marriage.
4) Julia's snail is a work of powerful erotic potency:
Julia also made a snail that looked preposterously like a wang. My heart sings for you Julia.
5) I can't understand Flo:
Flo is one of the greatest things on this planet, she is also utterly indecipherable for the majority of the time. Even though you need some kind of Scouse-English translator (a position which is both in very short demand and also somewhat offensive) to understand her, she is still so endearing that this in no way holds me back from being full of love for Flo.
6) Flo is gone:
This makes it all even sadder that she's gone. Though to be fair, considering the sheer majesty of Steven and Julia's showstoppers, the 'Tom Jones' locker that she created looked like something from a slow week on Art Attack.
7) The greatest pun ever told:
'PruePaul's Drag Race'. Let's all just all take a moment to wallow in its majesty.
8) Steven's pretending to be a human being:
Steven, the baking robot designed by future civilisations and sent back to modern times to destroy us all with his cake skills and endearing lisp, is even more cunning than we once thought. Even though he absolutely stormed it for the Showstopper, he made a bags of the initial 'tea-cake' bake. This is clearly just a ploy by this dough-obsessed BakeBot from the future to throw off any suspicion about himsef. He is trying to lull us into a false sense of security by pretending to have weaknesses, just like us pathetic humans do. Don't fall for it.
9) They have hidden Kate's obscure hobbies:
An absolute highlight of the first two episodes were the clips showing Kate's other hobbies, which included blacksmithing and the restoration of antique furniture, which are two, and I don't use this phrase lightly, ruddy brilliantly obscure hobbies. Unfortunately there were no clips revealing anything else to add to the list this week. They're either saving something massive up - like making effigies of celebrities out of ham – or that particular well's run dry.
10) Noel Fielding's still talking like he's at a wake:
Despite being consistently hilarious and entertaining throughout, he is constantly talking in a slightly hushed, demure tone as if he were at a wake. It might be the plethora of tea and baked goods on offer that has added to his confusion about the location.
11) Paul Hollywood fingers dough:
He's a dough-fingerer. And not just in the way that when you're making bread or cakes you have to get handsy with some dough. He goes into graphic detail, during a segment describing how to make a cottage loaf, and talks about the finger-stuff he does with bread. This is almost worse than last weekend's revelation that there is a photograph from 14 years ago of him dressed as a Nazi. Which reminds me.
12) Paul Hollywood wasn't dressed as a Nazi:
14 years and counting since his last forray with a jack-boot, keep on the straight and narrow Paul!
13) Breadweek always ramps up in intensity:
One of the trademark features of bread week is the fact that it seems to be extravagantly boring in terms of baking for the first two challenges and then suddenly transforms into this gripping life and death struggle for the showstopper. A struggle between man and yeast - a struggle which my doctor has given me a prescription for. The bread week showstopper never fails to be one of the series highlights.
14) Liam could get away with anything:
Honestly, that man is so charming he could kick my own beloved dog (Butters) to death in front of my horrified face and all he'd have to do is give me a cheeky wink and I'd forgive the canine-murdering scamp.
15) The showstoppers are too beautiful:
This week you could see that it physically pained Paul to cut apart the wondrous handbag that Steven had designed. It seems that we are not too far away from a time when it will be too difficult for Paul to muster up the will to cut apart that which he loves most; baked goods. He will become locked in an impossible battle between his two passions: the admiring of beautiful cakes and the cutting up and systematic judgement of cakes. Frozen by indecision, he will crumble, unable to destroy that which he loves and will weep like a child. Not this week though. He still cut apart Steven's magnificent handbag, the bastard.
