5 Reasons Last Night's Episode Of Blue Planet 2 Was Absolutely Phenomenal

Another Sunday has passed and I know that, for me, there were two things that very much defined it. One was the fact that, at one point when I briefly had vacated my kitchen, my dog somehow opened a cupboard and ate the majority of a banana. I am quite positive he does not like bananas, it was simply his way of asserting his dominance over me. The second, and far more universally relatable point, was my pilgrimage to the sofa at 8pm to be absolutely flabbergasted by the plethora of wonderful soggy animals David Attenborough soothingly waxes lyrical about in Blue Planet 2. I would contend that last night's episode has been the high point of the series thus far. If you disagree that's fine, but keep it to yourself, otherwise we're gonna have problems, yeah?

Last night's episode, entitled, 'Green Seas' charted the goings on of those aquatic animals who've chosen to shack up in the vast areas of sea-based vegetation. For those of you who haven't the foggiest about what I'm referring to, I'm talking your kelp forests; your basic sea-grass prairies and if you think I've forgotten algal blooms in this list then you my friend could not be more mistaken. Indeed, the episode was so brimming with sheer insanity that it felt churlish to simply focus on one aspect of it.

Were I to write solely on the weird crab pyramids, then I would feel I was ignoring the staggering carry on of the cuttlefish; so too with those tiny bundles of furry, blubber the sea otters. So, I shall instead provide a cursory rundown of the main stars of the show from last night.

1) Spider Crab Orgy

While David Attenborough insisted that the hundreds of thousands of spider crabs that were filmed gathering into vast crab mountains, were doing so purely to protect each other while they shed their shells, you could bet your bottom dollar that there were at least a few of the dirty devils that were getting both their shells, and their rocks, off in that big stinking crustacean heap.

2) The Cheekiest Cuttlefish There Ever Was

In easily one of the most memorable scenes from the whole episode we are shown the elaborate mating ritual of the cuttlefish and we see a particularly beefy specimen of a male who had bagged itself a female to mate with. However, in a quite astounding act of cuttlefish neediness he was then filmed floating over this female post-coitus, like some sort of perverted hovercraft, while she sort of lay looking quite embarrassed in the seaweed. The female cuttlefish then began to display a white stripe on her flank nearest the giant lurking male which apparently was a sign that she had finished with him and would like to move on. Quite how David Attenborough has come to know the particular mating signals of cuttlefish with such specificity is best left unanswered.

However, unlike Attenborough, this big ol' bastard of a cuttlefish simply doesn't take the hint and continues to glide menacingly above her, in an attempt to deter any other males from getting near. It is then that we are presented with a scene so astounding, it seems like it's come straight out of some B-grade 1980s rom-com*. A smaller, though profoundly horny male, took a shine to this particular female cuttlefish, so, in order to evade the attentions of the large male, it basically disguises itself as a female by tucking in its front tentacles - an apparent tell-tale sign of masculinity in the cuttlefish world. As it floats nervously over toward the giant male and recumbent female, the giant male entirely buys the whole ruse, and assumes that this smaller male is just a girlfriend of the female cuttlefish paying her a quick visit. It's not, it's one of the wiliest male cuttlefish around, and he ends up sort of stealthily making bizarre cuttlefish love right under the giant male all while he's protecting them both. The smaller male then just swans off with its tail, and much besides, tucked between its figurative legs.

Mental.

3) Octopus Pretending To Be A Souvenir

At one point, an octopus that the crew had been filming for some time, gets caught out in the open by a pyjama shark. Rather than embrace the icy claws of death, this octopus did something that had apparently never been observed before. It gathered up piles of loose shells lying around it and used them to form a sort of protective armour around itself. The shark was deterred and confused, either by the fact that the octopus was so well protected or because it looked like some weird tatty ornament you'd get from a seaside souvenir shop.

4) Zebra Mantis Shrimp Be A Home-Wrecker

Toward the end of the episode, during a section covering the ecosystems of mangrove swamps. We were treated to an intimate breakdown of the romantic lives of mantis shrimps - giant shrimp that can move their claws so fast they break the sound barrier. Attenborough revealed to us that the love-lives of mantis shrimps are basically indistinguishable from a dysfunctional 1950s family. The man(tis) shrimp does all of the work, catching food, which he takes back to the lady shrimp, who isn't allowed to catch food herself, because of that damn mantis patriarchy, and is thus entirely reliant on the male to nourish her so that she may devote all her energies to raising as many kids as possible. Given their longevity, couples can apparently remain together for some 20 years.

However, as soon as this piece of vaguely piece of heart-warming information was imparted to us, we were presented with footage of a male mantis shrimp leaving its den and scuttling across the sea floor. The accompanying voice-over revealed that once it leaves it den it never returns, and that the most likely cause of it having left was that it had heard the cry of another female mantis shrimp and it now wanted to shack up with her, so it had abandoned its previous partner to, in all probability, starve to death. Sure enough, moments later we see this male mantis shrimp scuttling down into another den and shacking up with a floozy in lieu of his long-term partner.

5) Sea Otters Use Their Bellies As Sun-Loungers For Baby Sea Otters

Sea otters, are different to regular otters in that they spend most of their time in the sea (...for now David Attenborough, your title as the supreme naturalist is secure, but one day). However despite this, their young are apparently relatively dogshit at swimming. So, instead of rearing them on land, sea otter parents spend the majority of their days floating on their backs, allowing their young to use their bellies as sort of pontoons to stay out of the water. What an adorably inefficient way of doing things this is. I for one commend your biological lunacy sea otters, bravo.

*If any B-Grade 1980s rom-coms were ever made about the deceptive love lives of cuttlefish, which I'm imagining there were and I'm imagining they probably starred Billy Crystal.

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