Love Island's Dr. Alex's Reaction To The Royal Baby News Is The Stuff Of Nightmares

Perhaps you are one of the 108,000 - if you are, then this will not come as news to you. Maybe you count yourself instead among the 1.3 million - if so, then I apologise, you are presumably already versed on what I have to impart. If however you neither follow Love Island's Dr. Alex on Twitter or Instagram, then it is for you I bear this news.

Currently, there is a small, yet rapidly expanding cluster of cells located in the womb of Meghan Markle. This small blob will soon grow to be more powerful or important than you, or I - we await the moment when this small blob of cells eclipses us all when it alights from Ms. Markle. Today though, its existence was announced to the world, prompting a vast array of responses. It is already, certainly, one of the most discussed zygotes of all time - an accolade which the Guinness Book of World Records fails to recognise, despite my under-taking an extensive letter-writing campaign and the subsequent chartering of a bi-plane to charter my missives in sky-writing when it was clear that they were going ignored.

The gamut of reactions ran the full spectrum, from people with no meaningful personal attachment to either of the parties involved working themselves up into a frenzy, to ardent republicans demanding that this be the flash-point that finally triggers the dissolution of the monarchy as an institution of state. However, Dr. Alex's response appears to lie outside this spectrum, it is in a category all on its own.

Dr. Alex appears to be offering his medical services as a doctor to the royal couple. He, in what is surely a first for a piece of medical marketing, has used a photograph of himself shirtless seemingly attempting to breastfeed a small rubber infant so as to win them round to this idea. "I know," thought Love Island's Dr. Alex, "I know, just the thing to endear myself to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. I shall fetch the traumatic-looking, beige plastic child. I will do this for the purposes of suckling."

Beyond this, Dr. Alex also proffers one of the most distressing scenarios imaginable to a 21st century citizen of this earth. For anyone who has not kept abreast of what he has been up to following his release from the villa of depravity, he has coined a sort of catchphrase for himself - a type of warbling cry, rendered in writing as 'Ahoioihoi'. He suggests that if you repeat this into a mirror three times it will act as a summons for Dr. Alex, an incantation guaranteeing that you will be forced to spend the next hour or so despairingly sustaining one-sided small-talk. Truly, a nightmarish prospect for all involved.

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