Struggling Dublin Bus To Be Replaced By New 'Dublin Sleds' Service
Ever since Ireland was plunged into the throes of a frosty cataclysm some 36 hours ago, transport services have been struggling to cope with the type of conditions that would make any Scandinavian country say "Yes, it's still the tail end of winter. This is exactly what is supposed to happen in winter."
Given that all Dublin Bus services have been cancelled today, and tomorrow, Transport for Ireland have taken the radical step of scrapping the bus network that has served the nation's capital since 1987. In its place they have unveiled 'Dublin Sleds' a direct replacement sledding service that will run across each of Dublin Bus' previously operating routes.
Speaking at today's launch of the initiative, in front of the first horse-drawn sled to be unveiled, a spokesman for the Minister of Transport, Shane Ross, said, "Unfortunately Minister Ross won't be able to make it today as he is helping his mother-in-law alphabetise her DVD collection. If he were here though, I'm sure this is exactly the sort of short-sighted initiative he would gladly endorse before going on to massively slash its funding. But it brings me great pride to call the beginning of service to 'Dublin Sleds'."
Mr. Ross' spokesman then proceeded to, in the manner that one would launch a ship, smash a champagne bottle across the back of the horse, killing it instantly. After a tense 20-minute delay, where organisers attempted to locate a replacement animal, the 46A Dublin Sled eventually set off, towed by the now harnessed spokesperson.
"I think it's a fantastic idea," said one local resident of the changes, "Aside from it being a practical solution to a difficult problem it will surely also provide the long-awaited shot-in-the-arm that the Irish sled manufacturing industry has so desperately needed".
Some have raised concerns over the logistics of the operation. When pressed, representatives of Transport for Ireland explained how the services would run. "Initially we were hoping to have the sleds pulled by teams of still-contracted bus-drivers and, until, we made them aware of this, it was really gaining momentum as a workable option. However, once word got out, of course 'the unions' had something to say about it. Before long they were singing from the old hymn book and harping on about 'cruelty' and 'gross violations of labour laws'. So we settled on using animals instead."
The horses, or packs of hardy dogs, tasked with pulling the sleds will have special Leapcard scanners surgically implanted into their flanks, to mininise disruptions to the current system. When most of these animals - unused to the hardships of working in the winter- eventually succumb to the cold, TFI has said they will seek to replace them with animals from shelters and ultimately, when these run out, they will plunder Dublin Zoo of its livestock.
One critic of Dublin Sleds decried the new service, saying, "It's disgusting having animals pull sleds throughout the city, the overwhelming smell of excrement will be utterly beastly!" To which a TFI representative said "This person clearly never set foot on any Dublin Bus service before".