PSA: There Was A Nazi That Looked Exactly Like Wayne Rooney
This is not what I am meant to be doing now. To pull back the curtain briefly, there are plenty of other tasks I am supposed to be tackling now with regard to this site. However, occasionally there is news so remarkable, so pressing, that all other demands must be put on hold. I come bearing such news.
A screenshot has emerged of a young Nazi soldier with the profile of Wayne Rooney. Let's just let that sink in. Wayne Rooney, has the same profile as a young Nazi soldier. As much as it pains me to source this story to the flaming landfill that is The Sun, this is the unfortunate situation we find ourselves in.
They report how viewers of a documentary entitled Hitler’s Death Army: Das Reich found themselves shocked to be staring into the distinctive mush of Liverpudlian forward Wayne Rooney while watching the programme.
The two-part documentary on National Geographic follows an elite Panzer division, Das Reich, as it comes to the Battle Of Kursk - the largest tank battle in the history of warfare; the Nazi's losses at the battle, and the subsequent retreat toward Germany as they are pursued by the advancing Russian forces.
Now, who are we to say that Rooney hasn't, in his spare time, perfected time travel. He certainly has enough cash floating around to give it a fair go. One presumes that were anyone to be so driven to perfect time travel, they would do so out of a desire to right the wrongs of their own past, and lord knows Rooney certainly has enough of those. However, one does not expect that time-travel would then be used to go back and commit further wrongs, such as becoming a rank-and-file officer in an elite Nazi tank division.
Though basic training with the Wehrmacht would certainly go a long way toward explaining Rooney's no nonsense approach as a centre-forward. Indeed, one feels that Rooney's career, in a way, is perfectly described by the arc of an elite Panzer division during WW2. A very promising early start where terrific ground was covered and he achieved far more, in a far shorter period of time, than anyone was expecting. His early successes led to him moving out from his homeland into new territories where his triumphs continued unabated for some time and he was the celebrated icon of his nation. However, his limits and inability to fully adapt to a changing game began to wear away at his ability. He soon appeared stretched and bloated as his opponents figured out his tactics and began to effectively nullify his presence. He was then forced to retreat back to his homeland, where he awaits an eventual ignominious defeat and capitulation.
That is literally Rooney's face though, and that is properly mental.