Trump Is President: A College Student's Guide To Sanity
If you are a person of normal brain function, this whole "Trump being President" thang may have throw you for a loop...or fifty. Since the results were announced all I do is sit in my house, looking online at what supermarket I can buy Ben and Jerry's cheapest from, and then travelling to it even if it's absurdly far away. If like me, you are stuck in a Trump size Hump, here's a what Trump's presidency means for Ireland and some tips on dealing with it:
Throw A Michael D. Higgins Par-tea
What says that you're critically analysing a situation better than throwing an "IN YOUR FACE AMERICA" party? Michael D. Higgins is what anybody would objectively refer to as the best. He is small, he writes poetry and sometimes his smile makes me so happy I could puke rainbows (which he would be at the end of because he is a literal leprechaun) but most importantly he is like so not Trump. So grab your Michael. D Higgins tea cosy (yes that's a thing, thank God, The Father and The Son, amen) and cuddle up with your friends to laugh at America.
Dcream
Lol, I bet you thought that said dream, LOSER. No, matter-of-fact this is a new word, a new concoction in the English language. To Dcream is to simultaneously dry-heave and scream at the same time. Sounds hard, right? Well not any more. All you need to do is:
1. Turn on the news. (Protip; No eating or else the heaving will not be dry.)
2. Listen to Trump's opinion on anything. Literally anything. (Phonetically) AN-EE-TH-IN-G.
3. You should dcreaming...like if you're not I would seriously go to your local GP. You may just be *whispers* a republican.
Don't Go Outside
Every step you take, every move you make, Trump is watching you. Which would be a punny take on that classic 'The Police' song, if it wasn't completely and utterly true. Trump and his Dump Do - which is how I am now referring to his hair - are everywhere. His mug is on every magazine cover, newspaper and T.V. station. Also there is this guy called Mick in your sociology class that looks suspiciously like him (oh, that's only applicable to me..soz.) So just don't go outside ever again. Build a wall around your bedroom, make your university pay for it and sign that executive order 'cause that's...sensible.....(pukes)
Get a Group of Like-Minded Friends Together
Once upon a time, in a world where the idea of Donald. J Trump being President was so ridiculously stupid and improbable that it would make you laugh in a way that caused milk to shoot out of your nostrils, it was okay even a little fun to debate about Trump's "merits" with your more...eccentric friends. Now, it's, not. Eventually you get sick of fighting with people, who make your IQ lower with each verbal punch about women's rights, a fucking wall and Ivanka (what's wrong with the name Bianca?!?) So get rid of these people and by get rid, I mean block them on Facebook and avoid eye-contact on the street. Meet more like-minded friends in the Socialism Society at college and dcream together in peace.
Break-Down Dancing
As the sister to a former break-dancer, I have to say I've always admired the art from afar. Watching the popping and locking, I yearned to find a way to express myself like that..just..less..physical. And shit, I've done it! Break-down dancing is a dance similar to interpretive dancing emotionally, but break-dancing moves-wise. All you have to do is turn on the news and let your body react. When Trump won I practiced the "Curl into your body and die!". When Trump picked his cabinet of old, wealthy white men I sprung into a "Flinch away like you've just been scolded" and when Trump made his inauguration speech I slipped into the "Twist and Give-out". So bust a move or your spleen today!
This is where I must end this session of hope and discussion. Looking at my timetable, I've just realised that I've got a Break-down Dance session in an half-an-hour and a night of Drceaming after. Talk to ya next time lads, unless there's a wall or something and then I suppose you're on your own.
N.B- If all else fails you can always watch Alec Baldwin's impression of Trump and cry yourself to
sleep.