10 Stages Of Nightclub Bathroom Banter

I swear, nightclubs should start charging extra for use of their bathrooms. The amount of time we spend in there is just ridiculous.

12:27am You've just arrived in. Barely.

You'll find me in the club... Bottle full of Bud...something something something...

OK, so I can't remember the rest of 50 Cent's rap, but he's probably singing about the kind of night that you are most definitely not going to get in this lame-ass nightclub, what with your College loan looking the way it is (shitty) and...you looking the way you are. You feel fabulous, but you actually look like pre-drinks caused you to momentarily die.

Time to visit the toilet. Freshen up.

*STAGE ONE*

Girl: These heels are so ridiculous for queuing. Why did I let Joanne give them to me? Because they are WAY too high. Stupid, mouth-retainer-wearing-ass Joanne. They're at least six inches and are intimidating that small-to-medium size guy from Chemistry class I like who's here, and I just know I'm falling on my ass later. Like a Native American Chief sensing rain. You just know.

Guy: How the f*ck did I get in? There's honestly puke dripping out of my left nostril. It burns. Piss time. Jesus that girl over there looks a lot taller than I remember. I must be druuunnnk.

12:34am

*STAGE TWO*

Girl: Still queuing.

Guy: "...so, she's either really tall now, or I'm drunk...actually, do you have a tissue?"

Bathroom Attendant: "She's lucky girl." (Hands over tissue)

12:38am

*STAGE THREE*

Girl: Still queuing, but the que has moved, and thank baby Jesus that girl in front of me stopped that ugly ass bitch-crew from skipping.

But I would've stepped up if needed. I would've been like "HOES. NO." UHHH, My bladder is ripping itself apart. AND I'm sobering up.

*sneaks a swig from bashed up plastic bottle in handbag containing dark rum and cranberry juice...pauses...yeah, that doesn't work as a drink*

Guy: Finishes Jagermeister. I need Cologne. I'll head back to the toilets for some Cologne. Freshen up. Bitches love a fresh dude. I read that somewhere. Isn't Cologne an actual place?

"Give me some of that...stuff...in the pink bottle...hehe... the pink stuff...!" *makes fists and gyrates beside urinal*

Bathroom Attendant: "You mean Joop?"

"What you call me?"

12:45am

*STAGE FOUR*

Girl: Finally in a cubicle. But of course Shannon had to jump in with me, and skip a load of people. She's such a bitch. I wanted some privacy to FaceTime my ex for like twenty seconds as well, because my make-up is fucking incredible tonight. Sigh

Guy: "No. NO! GET YOUR HAND OFF OF MY ARM, BECAUSE I AM NOT LEAVING UNTIL HE EXPLAINS TO ME WHY I AM A JOOP."

Bathroom Attendant: *Speaking into lapel* Security.

12:57am

*STAGE FIVE*

Girl: FaceTime calling. Julia. Connecting...

Julia on dancefloor, looking pixellated and perplexed.

Julia:"What the f*ck are you and Shannon doing?"

"Come bathroom! Have some...cranberry! Wooooo!"

Disconnected.

Guy: Arm around Bathroom Attendant "You know I love you John, right? You're my Joop."

Bathroom Attendant: "You're only still here because you gave me money. And Joop is a spray. A sprrayyyyyyy you idiot."

1:09am

*STAGE SIX*

Girl: Queuing for mirror " I wanna dance. Like, really dance, you know what I mean Shannon? Like, I choreographed it earlier in my bedroom kind of dance."

*Makes fists and gyrates*

Shannon: "Please don't tell me you choreographed any of that shit."

Guy: My f*ckin' seal is broken! I'm coming Joop-y John, haha! Wow, I'm so f*cked."

1:14am

*STAGE SEVEN*

Girl: "Why is my make-up so shit?!"

Shannon: "You literally loved it in the cubicle."

Girl: "Shut the f*ck up Shannon, OK?"

Guy: Singing "MY MAMA DON'T LIKE YOU...!"

Bathroom Attendant: "Please stop coming in here! The dance floors out there! The women are out there! Whats the matter with you?

Guy: "Jeez, my Mama really wouldn't like your attitude, John."

1:26am

*STAGE EIGHT*

Girl: "I think he's cute, yeah. Actually that reminds me. Do you have spare flat shoes I could borrow or something. I think I'm done."

Shannon: "Ok, firstly, I have pumps. They're not spare, but yes you can have them. And secondly, why don't you just talk to him? Come on, I feel like we've spent all night in this stupid fucking bathroom."

Guy: That last Jagermeister, fuck meee! I'm gonna puke. No WAY am I going back into that tool with his fucking Joop. Oh Christ. Ohhhh Christ.

*Runs to nearest bathroom door*

1:27am

*STAGE NINE*

Girl: "Tim, what are you doing in here?!"

Guy: "Jess, hey! I... I needed to puke. Eh... Why are you so tall now?"

3:24am

*STAGE TEN*

Guy: I hope this bathroom of hers has a lock.

*Locks door. Looks at penis.*

"Why won't you just get fucking hard?! It's Jessica!"

Girl: FaceTime calling. Ex.