The Opinionated F*ckwit: 6 People You Wish You Hadn't Started Talking To At A Party

Advice: take note of all exits and carefully plot your departure before coming into contact with any of these people.

1. The Creep

An omnipresent being at all manner of parties. Usually pounce when you're on your own and more susceptible to acknowledgement from a stranger. Can also have no perception of personal space, their faces looming at you periodically. Usually like to establish a deep connection with you within 3 minutes -'I think we have a lot in common/you're my type of person/[insert any phrase that makes other person feel strangely special]' - right before they tell you that they want to skin you and wear you as a nice coat. Will emerge regularly throughout the night but will be repelled by your crowd of friends who have finally arrived. Will resort to staring at you from across the room.

2. The Girl Who Just Got Dumped

Will have just broken up with her boyfriend and wants your advice, but will totally disregard any guidance you give her and continue to ramble on about their 'issues'. 'Well, in 2009 we broke up for 3 months because he wanted to broaden his horizons but then we got back together until he found some texts on my phone from his brother, so we broke up again. Then in 2011 we broke up because he insisted Predator 2 was better than the original, which by the way totally isn't, so now I don't know what to do. Or maybe it's because I rode his Dad. Who knows, eh? Men.'

3. The Frenemy

Can take the form of an old school friend whom you loved to hate. Will usually be full of faux-dramatic greetings when they see you - 'Ohmigod HI STRANGER!' - and waste no time in unleashing a barrage of questions about your present-life. 'So are you still with yer man? No? What happened? Aw, that's crap.' Is this bitch smirking? 'And where are you working? Oh, well sure it'll do for now! We have to start somewhere, eh?! Still living with the parents?'

4. The Self-Obsessive

Usually a girl surrounded by her minions, who nod in enthusiastic agreement when she makes any sort of remark. Very rare that you would be invited to speak with this person but hey, miracles happen. Maybe you have the same Marc Jacobs Grand Majestic leather tote or something, I don't know. Can be seen wearing a Nirvana/The Cure/Bob Dylan t-shirt because they're, like, amaze. Conversation usually goes something like - 'Kopparberg is so delish. I get, like, 3 out of my 5-a-day', 'Kanye West is totes subversive with his music, and actually kind of hot. I mean, for a black guy.', 'Jennifer Lawrence is to die, she is def my spirit animal.' *everybody nods & hums in agreement*

5. The Opinionated Fuckwit

Always, always found in the kitchen or back garden (places where people can't go out of their way to call horseshit on their ideas) and has grand notions about themselves. Usually a male, surrounded by males. Can be heard discussing Kant's political theories or how Nietzsche is the Uneducated Man's Philosopher. Is usually scared of girls and so prefers to keep a safe distance by telling them to 'get back into the kitchen.'

6. The Conspiracist

A somewhat uneducated version of The Opinionated Idiot, these people are suspicious of everything. They never leave their drink unattended and carry a batch of unused simcards with them at all times. 'Do you think they're watching us?'  ...Who?  'Them. I bet they're listening to us.'  Who is listening to us?  'The Illuminati. Duh.'  Er, I don't know what you're talking about, sorry. 'Oh my God, you're one of them aren't you?' What, no I- Stop touching my face! I'm real!

So, have you ever met any loopers like these? How did you escape? I need to know for future occurrences. Comment below!