9 Ways To Keep Warm That All Chronically Cold People Should Know
There's nothing worse than watching your fingers turn purple with the cold, so it's important to keep as warm as possible. Some people are always cold no matter what, so we've collected the top tips that tell you how to keep warm.
1. Put on more layers
Extra layers will trap more insulating layers of air, protecting you from the frigid outside temperatures.
2. Wear a hat
45% of your body heat escapes through your head. Keep your brain case nice and toasty by plopping a hat onto it.
3. Keep active
Keeping active will cause your body to increase it's metabolic processes and generate more body heat! This will keep the chill away all day.
4. Stop complaining
None of those work? Well frankly I'm sick to my core of hearing your incessant, pathetic, and cantankerous whinging, keep it to yourself and suffer in silence please. Did you know in German a common insult is "Warmduscher" it means "warm shower taker", that's you, that's what you are when you whine.
5. Get over yourself
Did you know that feeling the cold is a sign of poor moral fortitude? Did you know that shivering is a personal failing and a sign of sexual perversion?
I can't even look at you right now.
Just stop being cold. I did, look at me I'm not cold at all. You know why? Because I have a moral compass and a backbone.
6. Put on a thick layer of blubber like the noble walrus
The walrus, the most upstanding of all marine-mammals, never feels the cold despite making its home in frigid atlantic waters. This is because of it's thick, rolling layers of blubber.
Run down to Dealz and buy as many multi-packs of chocolate as you can. Sit and gorge upon them, eat and eat until you have developed thick insulating layers of life-give flab.
7. Allow all your bodily fluids to freeze completely like the noble wood frog
The Canadian wood frog doesn't fight the cold. It becomes the cold. When the temperatures plummet, it welcomes the chill into its very being. The ice consumes it, only its blood remains liquid thanks to a natural anti-freeze it produces.
8. Hibernate like the noble bear
The majestic bear deign to engage with the cold. It retreats into the ground and sleep through the biting cold of the winter months. Be the bear; gorge upon nuts and berries to sustain you through the depths of winter, retreat to your den and slumber.
Then, in the spring you will awake and emerge from your den to mate, feed, maul hikers, and shit in the woods.
