Every Irish Taxi Driver
Most nights out either begin or end in a taxi. In those 6/16/or even 60 minutes you build up a sort of relationship with your taxi driver. Below is a summation of roughly Every Irish Taxi Driver..
Mr. Bluetooth
Expect him to be on the phone when he picks you up, and remain talking on the phone the entire journey. Any attempt to talk to him will make you feel like you are interrupting him at work. You are not his priority.
Mr. Music Loud As Possible
Fairly self explanatory. Expect Trad, Christy Moore, Planxty, loud as possible. Do not ask him to turn it down. He will Not be happy.
Smelly Car
You get in and the smell hits you. Too late, the door is closed behind you . The stench does not come in waves, it's ever present, and vile. He may have one of those tree shaped air fresheners. It's completely redundant. Hold your breath and try not to unnecessarily touch any another surface of the car.
Mr. Famous Friends
'Did I tell you about that time I picked Bono up outside the Shelbourne..'
Did he tip?
'He did.. Proper gentleman.. '
You are not the first to hear this story. You won't be the last.
Mr. Sorry No Change
Well of course I was going to tip you but really? No change from €10 for a €6 fare is pushing it.
Mr Singalong
These are the Best taxis. You want these on a night out. Ideal anthems include Sex On Fire, Blurred Lines, and anything else the words are fairly easy to get. Rap is an impossibility here as no one really knows the words. Expect him to dance along..
The Debator
Alongside Mr. FML you wonder why you actually pay this guy. You get into the car and it's like family Sunday lunch a week before the referendum and everyone has an opinion. You listen politely to his comments and rant thinking this might sweeten the deal when it comes to paying. But it doesn't. I never does..
Mr. FML
You get in the car and he's all talk about 'the daughter' or 'the son' or some other beef/grief he has and it sucks you in. Before you know it you are involved in the whole thing. You feel his pain. You want to fix this. He chews the ear off you but you give good advice. Again as with The Debator there is no reduction in the fair. You are an unpaid counselor. 'Nice talking to you' is about all you will be lucky to get.
The Lost Man
This is the most frustrating of taxi drivers. He has no clue where he's going but initially gives the impression he does. You get in the taxi. He drives around in a loop. You look up from your phone and realize you are no nearer to your destination. You question him and he tires to fob you off, Never admitting he doesn't know what he's doing. Eventually he asks you, is there someone you can call? Again don't expect a reduction in the fee. This is just bad luck.
The Bitter/Slightly Racist Man
This taxi driver laments for the old days. 'Back in 2008 I'd have made €200 by lunchtime' he sighs. He will then say something about how people have no manners and just when you think it can't get any worse he will throw in some slightly racist comment about 'foreign' drivers stealing work. Don't even bother trying to argue with him. It's a total waste of time. He expects a decent tip. You will leave his car annoyed.
Mr. Over Friendly
This one seems nice initially. He cares for your welfare. But then there's just a few too many questions as to where you 'usually' go, where you will be later, have you a lift home sorted... As you are about to leave he gives you his card and says to call him 'Any Time' and he'll sort you out. He comps the fee. You feel slightly dirty.
The Booze In Boot Entrepreneur
This can be an extremely fortuitous journey if you've got deep pockets. You fall in to his car. You tell him you're heading to a house party. He looks shifty. 'Well um.. if you need booze I might have something in the boot' There's no might to that statement. You're intrigued. Yes, you need drink. 'What kind of booze?' you pry. 'Well I might have some vodka, few beers, couple of bottles of wine' The statement hangs in the air. He knows what he is suggesting is illegal. But you need booze. 5 minutes later you have been totally ripped off for a bottle of Vodka and he's €15 profit in his wallet. You walk into the party and you are the booze supplying hero. Everyone's a winner.
