Football's Naughty or Nice - The Dirty Dozen

In the midst of the upcoming festive cheer, football’s presence will not go unnoticed. Occasionally used as the excuse for a poor English performance in a major international tournament, the abundance of domestic football that takes place in England over the Christmas period is a pleasure few would be happy to part with. Given this intrinsic mutability of a Christmas and Football, this article acts as one half of a two sided debate; determining the naughtiest and nicest footballing XI.

With some relief I get to pick the ideal starting XI of football’s biggest bastards. What exactly shall determine who the best of the worst are will vary from time to time. The eleven picked – barring the occasional unavoidable inclusion – will generally emerge from the English game. For those who fear a limited scope of available players, don’t be too worried as there are plenty to consider. There will be no place for the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo or Zlatan Ibrahimovic either. Despite their persistent presence on football’s most hated polls, neither really warrants their place as an unadulterated bastard.

To legitimise the team’s name – The Dirty Dozen (too easy really) – I will also appoint a manager. He too will be a ferociously despicable arsehole. Christmas’ nicest XI, beware.

Goalkeeper – Harald Schumacher

It is difficult to determine a goal keeper that legitimately can be deemed worthy of this team. For those of a Dream Team persuasion, the likes of a Jamie Parker or a Viv Wright simply don’t turn up too often in football. However, if there is one truly horrendous moment of a goalkeeper going rogue with shocking consequences, it undoubtedly lies with the wrecklessness of the West German goalkeeper Harald Schumacher as he knocked French defender Patrick Battiston clean unconscious and took two front teeth with him. What is frighteningly clear in the video playback of the event is Schumacher’s complete lack of consideration for the ball. He jumped straight at Battiston and the mid-air collision was as inevitable as Schumacher’s wreckless decision being dangerous. Tellingly enough in a poll taken at the time by a French newspaper, Schumacher pushed Adolf Hitler into second place in a list of the least popular men in France.

Defender – Marco Materazzi

All things considered, Materazzi’s inclusion ultimately comes down to his involvement in the conclusion of Zinedine Zidane’s footballing career. The essential universality of love shared for Zidane generally allows him an unusual liberation from any controversy, despite his pretty unique means of retribution. What Materazzi did to incite this rage always appeared to be the more heinous crime. That an obviously hurt but slight exaggeration would be typified by the anguished Materazzi lying prostrate on the floor, all the while with his eyes tensed, until all of a sudden the camera catches him slyly opening one just to have a quick peak around. He hardly possesses a clean slate other than this, but enacting this cruel and unusual kind of sportsmanship lands him in this team for sure.

Defender – John Terry

John Terry was quite fortunate to make the cut. His list of misdemeanours – so concisely scrutinised in this link, is not too short of scandalous and even this team needs room to manoeuvre. If it is a despicable act that would cause great shame to the majority of people, John Terry has probably done, seen or been an accessory to it. When Craig Bellamy – not a man afraid of stepping out of line from time to time – is the moral compass by which we are reassured that Terry’s antics are known to all within the footballing world, you can probably write him off as a lost cause. As for Chelsea and England, Terry is the de facto captain of this side also.

Defender – Vinnie Jones

As was so excellently summed up in the television show Extras, Ross Kemp only plays a hard man, Vinnie Jones really is one. He has been probably more successful as an actor then he ever was as a footballer. However, the decisions and manner in which he fulfilled his role as a decisive cog in Wimbledon’s ‘Crazy Gang’ certainly allowed an easy transition into the world of being a film hard man. It will be to the teams credit that they now possess a genuine, no nonsense enforcer to stand tall and tackle hard beside the relatively calm Terry.

Defender – Ashley Cole

It may appear harsh having two Chelsea players in the back four, but Cole is an absolute lock at this Left Back role. Of all the players who departed Arsenal – a club admired for achieving one of football’s rarest accomplishments of going a season unbeaten – Cole’s manner always seemed the most despicable. Becoming ultimately dubbed ‘Cashley’ reveals an uncomfortable trend of certain greediness among footballers that Cole is not the instigator of but none the less a key component. That he left Arsenal to go to the recently flush Chelsea and would subsequently defend John Terry’s name in a racism trial that would emerge years later does little for Cole’s reputation either.

Midfield – El Hadji Diouf

Brought onto the English scene by Liverpool’s Gerard Houllier after an impressive display with Senegal at the 2002 World Cup, Diouf has been a constant source of agitation to those burdened by good sense. Costing £10 million in 2002, Diouf has allowed his infamy to rise thanks to some noteworthy spitting incidents, on and off-pitch disciplinary issues and the odd racial slur. He has been a consistently troublesome figure and some insight can be seen in Roy Keane’s suggestion that he was a player that the fans and players of other clubs would hate. Using this as his rationale for bringing him to Sunderland, I, like Keane, foresee trouble with Diouf around.

Midfield – Joey Barton

It goes without saying.

Midfield – Paul Gascoigne

By no means naughty in the same sense as some of his team mates, Gascoigne typifies a different kind of concern. His absolute indifference for commonly accepted rules of professionalism makes him a certain candidate for consideration. Often considered the great talent that England could never truly draw the most out of, Gascoigne’s flagrant embracing of the high life makes him very naughty indeed. The stories are endless and the laughter no doubt rang loud at the time, but Gascoigne’s demise to the shadowy figure he has now become will no doubt indicate that his inclusion is just. Through a friend of a friend I heard that during his time as a rapidly fading star at Middlesbrough, Gascoigne and his team mate Paul Merson – was bad, turned it all around – wreaked absolute havoc in the north of England. Perhaps, had fates destined him to join Alex Ferguson at Manchester United, Gascoigne may have escaped his demons and fulfil the potential we now see on YouTube clips alone.

Forward – Eric Cantona

For all the good he did for the domestic English game and Manchester United precisely, Cantona’s definite manner of doing it all ‘his’ way occasionally led him to places inhabited by the kind of men this team attracts. His moments of insatiable footballing artistry are unforgettable for those who witnessed them. However, it is difficult to imagine how his infamous kick out at a Crystal Palace fan in 1995 would have gone down in today’s game, not even 20 years later. Although he was banned for a large number of months, and it was motivated by a reasoning that few would tolerate themselves, it none the less stands as one of football’s uniquely fascinating moments. Cantona destroyed the wall that exists between the entertainers and the entertained. It was an act of senseless violence and he deserves his place in the team. Yet, its lasting impact is not that of a violent attack, but a moment of instant retribution. It was an unusual event with grave consequences for the growing divide between footballers and fans.

Forward – Luis Suárez

He is brilliant, fantastic, dynamic and absolutely fundamental to any chance Liverpool has of being a formidable challenge for any potential tournament. That being said, he is an utter and absolutely contemptible lunatic. Like John Terry, Suarez’ rap sheet is the stuff of legend considering it applies to one man alone. The ‘Cannibal’ simply cannot contain himself sometimes it appears. Were he not such a phenomenally talented footballer, his career would never have reached this stage. Despite his important to Liverpool, it is intriguing to note that he has yet to really make any impact on any major domestic or continental club tournament by way of being in a competitive side. It is all good and well for some to say that Liverpool cannot live without Suarez, but truth be told, Suarez’ antics are a glaring indicator that this loose cannon is a chance too far to take for Europe’s contemporary elite.

Forward – Duncan Ferguson

Despite being the perfect partner for Suarez in my big man/little man striking team; Ferguson is one of the relative few to actually serve jail time for his on-pitch antics. With a nickname like ‘Duncan Disorderly’, Ferguson was imprisoned for three months after his fourth conviction for assault. This came as a result of his head butting Raith Rovers’ John McStay in 1994. With what must be the most ill-thought out burglary attempt in history, two men confronted Ferguson with intention to rob him in 2001. One of the two fled while the other was detained by Ferguson…and spent the next three days in hospital. However, the sealing vote for Ferguson’s inclusion can be seen in the video link below. Even the happy-go-lucky Jimmy Bullard knows not to toy with ‘Big Dunc’ shortly after this discretion.

Manager/Ringleader – Neil Warnock

While there would have been many suitable candidates only too happy to attempt and rein in this group of individuals, Warnock is probably as bad as the worst of them for his on-pitch/sideline antics. When your Wikipedia page lists no fewer than 25 disputes you have had with different players, manager, clubs, referees and just anyone else you can find in the street, you’re probably the right man for the job. Perhaps my favourite moments of this interminable figure come during his days as Q.P.R. manager as outlined in the excellent The Four-Year Plan. Knowing that it was to all come crumbling down for him, his arrogance becomes bearable and almost entertaining as he envisions the legacy he feels set to leave. He is almost certainly the most irritating member of this dirty dozen.