Gaff Party Faux Pas

Ben Kiely

Shindigs, box socials, partays, hootenannies, whatever you want to call them, they’re one of the better and more economical methods of getting shteamed if you’re a student. However, even though the humble gaff party may seem to be an event where any sort of behaviour is acceptable in the spirit of debauchery, there is a certain set of rules which should be adhered to for your own enjoyment and that of your fellow ragers. Here’s a list of things to avoid which will ensure that your party is, to quote Nietzsche, "whopper".

Nietzsche: Poet, Philosopher, LAD.

1. Passing Out

Most of us have been this person at some point.

It happens to everyone. Really? It doesn’t?  Well, it happens to me quite a bit.

If you're stupid enough to over indulge on the booze and you pass out, permanent marker tattoos will be drawn, eyebrows will be shaved and ponytails will be snipped. Admittedly it’s an enjoyable experience for the conscious folk that are involved but trust me, permanent marker penises are extremely hard to wash off parts of the body where the sun does not and should not shine. It took me a week the last time.

2. Cameras

This party is soooo crazy! Let's take a picture of literally everything!

Thanks to the popularity of the Facebook page “Embarrassing Nightclub Photos” everyone seems to see gaff parties as an opportunity to take a few photos that they can later whore out for likes on their beloved social network. I personally don’t want pictures of me, to revive an archaic phrase, skagged off my tits plastered all over the internet. Unfortunately, there are dozens of them on spacebook, myface and twanker which have been posted against my will. This could have all been avoided if some arsehole didn’t bring a camera and start snapping.

Anyway, there’s no skill in it. Taking embarrassing photos at a gaff party is as easy as spotting the guy they fired for diversity in Abercombie and Fitch. So why bother? Take a photo of me while I’m sauced and I can guarantee you’ll be on my enemies list til the day I die and even then I might just come back to haunt you out of spite.

3. Acoustic Guitars

And now for the sixth time tonight I will play "Wonderwall".

I like to call a drinking session that ends up as a ballad session the cringe Olympics because there’s always one fucker who wants to play while nobody else wants to listen. I suppose the main problem I have with acoustic guitars, despite the fact that they cause feline leukaemia (don’t see too many cats at an Ed Sheeran concert), is that every arsehole in the country thinks they can play it. To paraphrase the movie Role Models, there’s always one dick with an acoustic guitar that just can’t seem to play it.

Another problem I have is that the kinda people who play heart-felt covers of "A-Team" are the kinda people who think just because you know Metallica songs you're an amazing guitarist. I’ll stop complaining when a session ends with Sikth covers but for now, you’ll be knocking on heaven’s door sooner than you think if you don’t put the guit-fiddle down.

4. Cock Tricks

Too much penis.

If this hasn’t happened to you yet, keep your friends. Don’t make any new ones because you’re clearly hanging out with the right people.

For anyone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about, cock tricks are basically the male genitalia version of origami. These are not for the faint hearted. Everyone knows the classic windmill but other notable moves include the hamburger, the wristwatch and the papal nuncio (don’t ask but google at your own risk).

A general rule of thumb would be not to expose yourself in any social situation, unless of course, it’s just going that way, but some people just can’t keep their talents hidden. That being said, it’s a lot more impressive than some of the stuff you’d see on Britain’s Got Gobshites.

Follow Ben on Twitter @TheJivemaster.