Gas Irish Jokes That Will Make You Piss Yourself Laughing
Who doesn't love an Irish joke? They're good craic and they can cheer you up when you're having a shit day. We've had a look around for the best Irish jokes and think we've found them...
1. Drunk priest
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
2. Tequila shots
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
The barman asks: “What do you have?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
3. One-liners
Q. What's the difference between God and Bono?
A. God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.
Q: What's the difference between Ireland and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Irish beauty contest?
A: Me neither.
Q: What do you call an Irishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin
Q: Did you hear Ireland’s solved their unemployment problem?
A: You don’t leave school till you are 65
Q: How do you get an Irishman on the roof?
A: Tell him the drinks are on the house
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic stag night?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl
4. Jack off
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Babs or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Babs came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: “Babs, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.” Babs replied, “Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.”
5. Mam and Dad
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million euros. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million euros. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million euros, would you sleep with George Clooney?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million euros, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."