A Girl's Guide On How To Handle A Break Up
So it's actually F***ing happened.
No. You were not aware that Johnny wasn't that into you.
In fact only a few days ago you were thinking how lucky he is to have you. It seems he doesn't appreciate that kind of luck anymore.
It was swift. It was unkind. He asked to call over. You thought it was for 'cuddles'.
He walked in and didn't seem in good form.
You went to kiss him, and drag him into the bedroom, but then he uttered those frightening words.
The words I am about to state are game-changing words.
He pushes you back gently and shrugs off your pawing hands. A sick feeling comes into your stomach.
'We need to talk' he says.
You mute. There's nothing to say.
He goes on and on about how he thinks it's all perfect but he 'just doesn't see you in his future'
You gulp. You're going to get angry.
You suggest he goes.
You hope he will realize it's all a mistake and propose or something like that.
He doesn't. He walks out the door. As you close it you realize things are now very different. Very different indeed.
You are now single. You have been dumped. And this is how to handle it.
Firstly
Call everyone you can: your mum, your granny if she's kind of cool, your brothers, your sisters, your cousin and your ENTIRE girl pack.
Immediately you need as many people around you, boosting you up.
DO NOT BE ALONE for the first 48 hours.
Listen to every lovely thing they say. Breathe it in. They will tell you you are so much better than him. They will tell you he will live to regret it. They will tell you just how fabulous you are. Through your stream of tears you must take this all in and absorb it. You self-esteem and ego have taken a beating, this will bring it back a tiny bit.
Secondly
Get out of the house and have a few drinks. If at all possible try leave your phone at home. By a few we have no problem if that actually translates to 4 shots, 5 vodka and 7ups and 3 glasses of prosecco bought by rich Michelle to soothe you. Don't even attempt to flirt as it might not have the desired effect and you will only feel bad about yourself. Stick close to those who love you and at this moment in time, for this emergency, they are here for you.
On the way home do not eat a kebab. Tomorrow you will feel bad. Do not make yourself feel worse.
Thirdly
Delete his number from your phone. The reasons for this are many. Firstly and most obviously you don't want to risk calling or randomly texting him. The second reason is that seeing him active on Watsapp is so annoying. Waking up on a Sunday when you did nothing all evening bar watch 'Marley and Me' you don't want to see him last active at 5.15 am.
Remove him from your Facebook. This will seem painful but it does you a favour long-term. If you want to creep you can do so off a friends page.
Fourthly
Get rid of his Sh*t. No doubt this is hard but it's also one of the most important steps.
You see all of his crap lying around your apartment is a constant reminder of him and if he's gone, I mean really gone, then you really need to get rid of it.
So that lovely birthday card he gave you, the cinema tickets, the Bruce Springsteen concert ticket stubs, the mug he used all the time, the chocolate bar wrapper you kept because he bought it for you on one of those really sunny days during the Summer.... it ALL has to go.
Get a bag and heap it all into it. If you want to be really awesome, burn the cards- super satanic.
Chuck the bag into a wheelie bin.
Scrub your apartment and get any feeling of him out of there.
Fifthly
Vow that next time things will be better, you will have a higher standard and that really Johnny did you a favour. And with that in mind get yourself to a good mystical person. The best in the business is apparently Joe Gough (www.FoundJoe.ie). Alack - you need a car to get to him as he's in the middle of no where.
Do NOT go to the student night in Tony And Guy and tell them that you need a change - they will do mental things with your hair that you will 100% regret.
Do not do what this girl did. That's just bold.
Know that actually being single is much more fun. You've that whole sense of optimism when you go out - anything could happen - you could end up at a random party in a mansion in Meath at 6 am, you could be swept off to the Penthouse in The Four Seasons, the world is your oyster.
When you see Alice dealing with Paul (together 3 years) acting like a complete prat when he's drunk, inwardly smile. When you see Cian getting sick and Jessie (girlfriend and boyfriend since the Debs) having to take him home, take comfort. You are single, you are extremely special and good things are just around the corner. And in the mean time life is far, far better without Johnny.