You Know You're a Cynical Bitch When...
So you have gone past the tween heart twilight stage and maybe after a few too many drunken mistakes and having far too much faith in humanity, you find yourself slowly turning into a slightly bitter human being. Sometimes these signs can be subtle other times they are a huge slap in the face towards your fellow human beings. Here are some tell tale signs that you have jumped on the cynicism band wagon and have become the very thing you promised your inner child you wouldn’t be and that is becoming a cynical old bitch.
1) People in General
If it wasn't for people you wouldn't be the cynical bitch you are today. People are just everywhere. They ruin every situation you find yourself in. You go to get a coffee but there's a line. Why? Because other stupid people decided they wanted to get a coffee too. Then you have that one person right in front of you that has being waiting just as long as you who only decides to start to form his order right at the cashier. 'So, if I choose a latte instead of a black coffee with my muffin is it still only two euro?' No! If it was the muffin and choose any coffee for two euro it would have been called that. The coffee shop is not trying to trick you. That is why it is called the two euro black coffee and muffin deal.
Any even you go to is ruined by people. It's always too full, to hot. A breeding ground for bacteria in fact. You didn't choose to be a cynical bitch. After years of torment, society has molded you into the person you have become. Nice job Obama.
2) You Preempt the Worst Possible Outcome
Do you want to go out tonight? Why would I want to go out? I'll spend an hour trying to find something to wear until I find something that doesn't make me look like a rhinoceros on the pull, that is until my friend with the washboard stomach waltzes in wearing some sort of top that seems to only be covering her boobs with the grace of god and some kind of tight chaps that would make the bar maids of Coyote Ugly salute in respect. After this little debacle I'll spend a further fifteen minutes having a little cry until I eventually pick the same black dress I always wear. Then I'll drink some disgusting concoction because actual tasty mixers are far too expensive so I'll spend the evening making a ridiculous face that resembles a baby eating a lemon. Does it end there? Absolutely not. When we do eventually get into the nightclub, I'll spend half my money on ridiculously expensive drinks, get felt up by a group of lads who look like they've just jumped off the bus from the hurling minor match down the road and I'll get pissed off because the good looking lad from across the bar didn't try to feel me up. I'll then get even more upset because for some reason my ex is also here with his new girlfriend and I am dressed in the same black dress I'm always wearing. I'll then spend more money on a taxi home, pass out and wake up with the feeling that I lost more then my dignity last night. So do I want to go out? No, I would rather order a kebab and spend the remainder of my evening feeling bad for eating the kebab in it's entirety and bitch about the girls on Made In Chelsea.
3) You've Started to Hate Celebrities that Everyone Else Loves
Why is everyone so obsessed with Jennifer Lawrence? I'm clumsy too yet no-one is giving me an Oscar. I get it, you refuse to conform to what everyone expects a Holly Wood actor to look like and weigh. Don't even get me started with Zooey Deschanel. 'Ooh look at me I sing and I act and I play the ukelele. I wear tea dresses all the time and I wear big over sized glasses because I can. I don't have to dress slutty because boys like me for me, and when I go to the toilet rainbows come out." What makes you so happy all the time? What makes your life so great apart from all the money and stuff.
4) Everything Around You is Just Awful
Everything is just shit. If the clubs and the horrible, beautiful celebrities weren't enough, everything else has gone to pot as well. Everything about being a girl is just awful. Tampons are too expensive and why should you have to buy them anyway? Just because boys don't have a vagina does that mean they shouldn't have to pay some sort of tampon tax? I mean look at all the shit we as women have to deal with, how can you not be cynical. We have to dress up everyday, not to impress men but just so we'll look OK alongside other cynical bitches. We have to spend our hard earned money on makeup, face products, nice smelling lotions and potions, wax strips, strange body wash that has sore grittle in it because it apparently 'exfoliates' the skin so you basically scrub off a layer of skin. 'Maybe she's born with it', no she is not born it, she has spent her precious time and hard earned money so she looks presentable to society.
5) You Hate Popular Culture
The one thing in this world that was worth watching was Game of Thrones. It doesn't piss about with this idea that love conquers all or that good will overcome evil. George RR Martin was like the emo Tolkien you always wanted. Now look at whats happened. Everyone else has jumped on the band wagon and now you can't go a day without someone asking you do you watch it. You had something special and now it has been ruined by those same same culprits. People.
6) You Hate Couples
You cannot stand your friends who are in a relationship. The very sight of them makes you want to sellotape their heads together. They give you this look of sympathy when you say you might just sit in tonight and have a lazy evening. They stare down at you as if you are some sort of loveless invalid. When they show any sort of PDA you give them a look that only fellow cynical bitches can understand. You find them tiresome to be around and you try to avoid being left alone in a room with them at all costs.
7) Everyone Else's Problems Seems Trivial
You used to be a good person who could sit quietly and listen to your friends problems. Now as soon as you see them take a deep breath and launch into what has happened you search into your very soul to try and find some sort of response to let your friend know that you are there and you're listening. 'I can't even', is not a suitable reply.
8) You Don't Trust Nice People
What are they hiding that they have to be so nice for?
9) Dating Is a Plague On Your Life
Dating is just a hassle in general. You have to dress up for someone you may or may not find attractive and feign interest in what they have to say. If they bring you out for something to eat, you're more then likely going to get a free meal but you can't order what you want because you have to be ladylike and maybe not reveal the fact most of your weekly budget goes on feeding yourself because you are like a bottomless pit. If he asks if you want to stay in and watch a movie, there's the awkward situation of how you sit and what you talk about during the movie. When you're in the mood for a movie you generally lie across your couch like a beached whale, in your sweat pants with a share bag size of Doritos on your own. Why is he trying to ruin this special time that you have alone?
10) You are Right All the Time, Every Time
Somehow you have become divinely inspired and you have now based an opinion surrounding everything. You have stopped listening to what other people have to say. Even when you're not to sure about the subject you'll start off by saying, 'I'll admit I don't have great knowledge about what is going on, but...' Why would you waste time listening to other people anyway?
11) People Don't Ask You Anything Anymore
You have noticed that people have stopped asking you your opinion. Clearly because your intellect is far superior to theirs and they would prefer to not basque in the shade of your eminence. Because you're not being given a chance to air your grievances you now have something else to complain about. It's a win win all round really.
12) You're as Happy as Can Be
What makes you a cynical bitch to your very core is the fact that you couldn't be prouder. You try and pass it off as simply being a 'realist' but we all know that this cover up only works on the incredibly gullible. There isn't any point in being ashamed. Hold your head up high in a way only cynical bitches really know how.