Met Éireann Have Issued A Weather Warning Because You Can't Cope With The Sun
Met Éireann are kind. Met Éireann are compassionate, they are looking out for you and they want you to be well. They know you, better than you know yourself, and they know that you are in danger; in danger from the hot glaring sun beating down on your fragile Irish body. You are not designed for this, look down at yourself. Look at your pallid, sickly complexion, you are an anorak incarnated; your natural environment is a murky, overcast, slightly blustery and drizzly day in Laois - that is where you belong, that is what you are designed for. You and the sun are not bedfellows and Met Éireann knows this, they want you to be safe from the cruel, cruel sun.
All this is to say that Met Éireann have issued a national weather warning to say that it is going to be warm this week. They have so little faith in you, in us, in our ability as a nation to adapt to a slight escalation in the temperatures typical of this time of year, that they've issued a warning.
Met Éireann are here to prevent the almost inevitable situation of herds of confused, shirtless Irish men, their torsos crisped red by the harsh unrelenting sun from wandering around until they collapse of dehydration. They want these people to remain sunaware, and have sufficient fluids coursing through their bodies, so that they may safely wander around shirtless and bemused, occasionally raising one hand to their foreheads so that they may stop and squint at the mysterious fiery orb that scalds the sky and land with its fury.
My body is melting. Our bodies are melting. They are melting in the sun. We are all this Barbie doll. This harrowing video of a Barbie doll, is we.