The 7 Stages Of Ordering A Pint Of Guinness
Guinness. Known the world over and one of the most popular drinks on the market. The process of ordering a pint of the black stuff is as unique as the drink itself. Thanks to the two pour method, which apparently has no effect on the taste of the beer, ordering a Guinness is an experience like no other. Here are the 7 stages of ordering a pint of Guinness.
1. Getting the bartender's attention
The most difficult aspect of ordering a Guinness, or any drink for that matter. I tend to opt for the 'dead arm' technique where you sling your limb across the bar taking up the space of three men. Also to really seal the deal, have a crumpled up fifty dangling out of your fist.
2. The order
It is vital to remember if you're ordering a round of drinks mention the Guinness first. This gives the barman ample time to get a headstart on pouring your pint. Also for seasoned Guinness drinkers note the subtle micro-expression he/she gives you when you mention Guinness. It roughly translates as 'for fuck sake another Guinness, can't you see I'm up to me tits here?"
3. The pouring
The barman will take a Guinness brand pint glass (hopefully) and tilts the glass at exactly 45 degrees (get the protractor out if needs be). There's nothing worse than getting a badly poured pint in the wrong shape of glass. Criminal.
4. The timekeeping
Once they have poured the initial amount the barman should leave the pint to settle for exactly one minute and 32 and a half seconds. If the barkeep is half a second too early or late, they should be hung, drawn and quartered. Have your stopwatch at the ready
5. The waiting
One minute 32.5 seconds. It can feel like an eternity. What do you do? Check Facebook? Make awkward chitchat with the punter beside you? No, you stare longingly at your pint and make sure that nothing untoward happens during the crucial 'settling' period.
6. The two pour
You're nearly out of the woods. The bartender has remembered your pint which is looking lonely under the tap. They bring the pint up to the tap and finish it off. Oh but wait, no. Stop! Too much! Ah fuck ye anyway, it's dribbling over the side. Nothing is as infuriating as a sloppy pint of Guinness.
7. The first sup
The final part of the process. You exit the bar area and retreat to a cuddly little snug, just you and your pint. Alas, the first creamy glug of Guinness. Invariably the best part of the pint. You check your watch. You'll be up ordering another one in no time.