"I'm Going To Stop Texting My Ex" Promises That Every College Girl Makes (And Breaks)

Promises, promises, promises. Hands up who’s guilty of making and breaking more promises than I've had hot dinners (surprisingly, I've had a lot of hot dinners). As people of the world, we tend to promise a lot of things, but following through with these things isn't always as easy as it may seem. College, in particular, brings out our inner false promising side. Girls, we are so much worse at doing this and we know it. Men at least, have their heads screwed on a little more tightly, are a little more realistic and honest to themselves, for the most part. Here are the promises that every college girl makes and breaks;

1) I Promise To Start That Diet Tomorrow

Honestly, our intentions are nothing but great. Goodbye bread, hello Quinoa salads and eggs seven times a day. (Yolk free, obviously.) But then…Then we drink and yes, over time you gain the knowledge that drinking beer makes you fat as fuck, so you swap to spirits mixed with fizzy drinks and think to yourself that that’s much, much better. So we drink our sugary, metabolism messing drinks and dehydrate ourselves and then, the following day when we feel as though we might just die, there’s nothing for it but bread and fat. Good saturated fat and oh fuck, what have we done? Not to worry. There’s always tomorrow.

2) I Promise To Stop Texting Unsuitables

We really want to stop this as much as you want us to stop this. But…well…we’re bored and lonely and going through not so much a dry spell, as a fucking drought. There comes a stage when you think, you know what? Fuck it. I’m cold and I can’t afford to turn the heating on and body heat is way more fun than any storage heater anyway. That’s it, I’m texting him and nobody can stop me.

3) I Promise To Take My Pill With A Military Precision

We've all heard the warnings. We all know where babies from. We all know that to work at it's most efficient, we need to take the pill at the same time every single day. It’s just....That’s a really difficult thing to do. If we sign ourselves up to take it in the morning, there’s the huge and very real risk that we’re going to sleep in or be hungover, during the afternoon, we’ll be hungover and/ or in class and the evening, we'll probably be drinking. Where, oh where does it fit in?

4) I Promise To Not Get Pissed Tonight

But if and when there are two for one cocktails, then I can and will not be held responsible for my actions. I rarely, if ever go out (on a Monday) with the intention of getting completely inebriated, it's just that the alcohol comes to me. What am I supposed to do? Turn it away? Be realistic people.

5) I Promise To Go For A Run…Soon

Running is something that looks effortless and sexy and healthy, when other people do it. When I do it however, I turn puce, look constipated and spend the majority of it looking as though I've just learned that my entire social circle has been wiped out, in one fell swoop. I hate hot gym girls. Who looks hot when they're exercising for fuck sake? Stop looking hot. You're tricking the rest of us into thinking it's fun. Well, almost.

6) I Promise To Save Money This Month

No drinking, no shopping, no lazy takeaways, no nothing. It's time that I copped on and saved a little. Goodbye fancy coffee four times a day, hello flasks of tea and homemade lunches and wearing an extra layer to bed. But then hunger and cold droughts and being the shittest saver in the world takes over. Goodbye money, it was lovely knowing you.

7) I Promise To Stop Drunk Texting My Ex

I really hate him and his face. Everything about him angers me to my very core. He's a terrible person with terrible morals and even thinking about the time that I wasted with him, makes me hate myself too. So now, when I'm very very drunk, is the perfect time to tell him all of this and if he doesn't reply then I'll just do it all over again. The bastard.

8) I Promise To Have A Golden Week…Soon

The intention is always there. Always. Every Monday we make ourselves this oh so unrealistic vow that really, we have little intention of keeping. Perhaps you're one of those fantastic students who nails golden week faster than most people nail their classmates, but if that's you, then you probably shouldn't be here. Some day, some day we'll be you.

9) I Promise To Start Contributing To Housework

Dearest housemate, I really am sorry. I try and I try, but actually keeping the house in spick span condition is a rather difficult thing to do. Yes, bleaching the sinks and taking the hair out from the plughole sounds riveting and all, but I have far more important things to do. Such as drinking, sleeping and eating. I sense a passive aggressive note coming on...

10) I Promise To Stop Leaving My Assignments Until Five Hours Before They’re Due

Curse you Netflix, Torrents and open windows. You are all nothing if not beautiful, wonderful distractions. How can I 'make a start' on that mind fucking six thousand word essay, when there are mountains of award winning series' on tap, ready to wade my way through? Perhaps when it comes to my dissertation, I'll start it a good two weeks in advance. Until then? All nighters all the way.

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