If You're Terrified Of Spiders We've Got Good News!
There are some things in this world that it's entirely natural to be afraid of; being alone, intimacy and most of all, spiders. Thankfully we've got something to help you - admittedly only for one of those things, for the others, you're on your own unfortunately, which is surely salt in the wound for the first point.
My Critter Catcher American company has created a device that finally marks a technological advancement over the generations old 'glass and a postcard' trick for getting rid of spiders. This device, essentially a hairy litter-catcher, is internal combustion engine of catching spiders, to the glass and postcard's mule & card.
It means that you can pick up spiders from distance, without running the risk of them crawling all over you, and laying eggs in your skin etc. What's more the device doesn't in any way harm the spiders, so you can simply let them free outside; bring to the house of an enemy and unleash them there, or simply cause the spider harm on your own terms if you so wish. Though I must stress that we are not advocating animal cruelty.
Finally, we can cease hiding scared and distressed atop our beds, calling for a vaguely more competent human to come and help us whenever we cross paths with an arachnid. Know we can tackle the pricks head on with this hairy, groping stick thing.