Thanks A Latte: Weird Sh!t People Say To Waitresses...

The service industry is a dark, dark place, where the people love food and hate people. Most students' first jobs will be in the service industry, as bar staff or catering staff. Working as a waitress/waiter is a great way to make money, if you have the stomach for it. I love working as a waitress, but that doesn't mean there aren't days when I want to tell some rude bitch to shove it up her arse, because she's not happy we don't serve the particular salad leaves she wants. We have to deal with crap on a daily basis. A lot of customers really and truly suck, but they don't even realise it. Ignorant rude fuckers. Here is the most common and annoying shit people say to waitresses.

1) Puns

• 'Thanks a latte' or 'how's the daily grind'... I get it, you're hilarious. No, I've never heard it before, you're so witty. This is a genuine laugh, honestly. I'm not laughing for tips, you're an absolute riot!

2) Asking For Free Stuff

• 'I'll just have a glass of water' they say, and sit there for hours without ordering a single thing. Cheap, stingy fuckers. There are customers willing to pay whose table you're taking up.
• 'Can I substitute the complimentary glass of wine for a portion of fries and a glass of coke? That's the same price, right?' No substitutions, follow the menu and stop being so annoying.
• 'Have your prices gone up?' Same price as last week, cheapskate.

3) Making Terrible Jokes

• 'You missed a spot,' when you're mopping. Again, you're just so funny, have you ever tried stand-up?
• 'No, I don't take sugar. I'm sweet enough.' Like I've never heard that before... idiot.
• 'You should smile more.' I'm clearly stressed out. Leave me alone.

4) Asking For Recommendations

• 'What would you recommend?' Just so you know, I'm obviously going to recommend the special. That's what the chef is trying to get rid of.
• 'What would you prefer?' My taste-buds are totally different to yours. Why do you want me to pick your food? I'm here to bring you your meal, not select it for you.

5) Complaining About Other Customers

• 'Those children are being really loud, could you ask them to keep it down?' They have every right to be here, same as you. We are a family restaurant, families often include children.
• 'Those customers are very noisy, can you please move them?' Well, they've been here longer than you and are actually ordering food... So why don't I move you to a quieter part of the restaurant?

6) Being Impatient

• 'I know I asked for my steak well-done, but it's been ten minutes' After I warned you it's cooked from fresh... Unless you want it medium, be patient.
• 'Can I get some service over here?' Yes, I'll be with you in a minute, after I serve all the people who arrived before you.
• 'Excuse me miss! Whenever you're ready, can you get me (insert elaborate dish/drink here) right now' This is usually accompanied by a grab of the arm, or a click of the fingers, while you're balancing a load of plates on your arms, rushing to the kitchen with a million other things on your mind. Thanks friend.

7) Asking A Million Questions About Food

• 'Is the soup gluten-free?' It says it is on the menu. Anything marked 'gluten-free' will be gluten-free. You don't need to ask. Are you just trying to make a point to your friends, that you can't eat gluten? I'm sure they can read too.
• 'Do you have [something that isn't on the menu]?' If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. We cater for the menu we offer. If you don't like it, go somewhere else.
• 'What does the salmon come with?' It says exactly what it comes with on the menu, can you not read? You read salmon, surely you can read the sides.
• Over-pronouncing anything. You look and sound like a dingbat.

8) How They Want Their Steak Cooked

• 'I'd like my steak well-done, but not cooked all the way through, just slightly pink and juicy.' So, you'd actually like it cooked medium-well then? OK, I'll let the chef know you haven't a clue about meat-cooking preferences.
• 'I asked for my steak to be medium well, but it's pink inside can I get it cooked more?' So, you actually wanted a well-done steak?

9) Coming In Five Minutes Before Close

• 'Are you still open? You are? Great.' Even though I just told you we're closing in five minutes, you still sit down? Really? You're just asking me to hate you.
• 'Is there any chance of something to eat?' Kitchen is closing, chef is leaving. Unless you want me to make you a sub-standard sandwich, go find somewhere that isn't about to close so I can mop up and get out of here.

10) Asking About My Life

• 'So, what's your real job?' OK last time I checked, waitressing was a real job. My money pays for the same things yours does. In fact, your money is funding my lifestyle. Thanks for the shots friend!
• 'What are you doing in college?' Whenever I'm asked this, I make up some elaborate back-story: I was studying marine biology and discovered some lost ancient coins on the seafloor of the Meditteranean and am now writing a research paper on it. Or that I own the restaurant. Every day a different story.
• 'So...any chance I could buy you a cup of coffee sometime?' Don't hit on me and ask me out while I'm working. I'm getting paid to be nice to you. Plus, look at me... do you really think I'm single?