Things That Girls Really Need To Get Better At

In the 21st century, there are very little people who really tell it how it is., so I'm going to go ahead and try. Girls are terrible at a lot of things. Don't get me wrong, men are awful too, we're unquestionably worse at life. But we hear about it aaaall the time, and frankly, we're sick of it. Women get away with a hell of a lot of annoying bullshit and we just keep our mouths shut and accept it as life. Fuck that. Here are a few things that girls need to get better at.

Eyebrows

Eyebrows, what happened to you? You used to be cool. I don't know when or why this trend started, but it needs to stop. Eyebrows are eyebrows, just leave them alone. Who said shaving them off and replacing them with a line was cool? Was it the same person that said they should be an inch thick and black as the devil's soul? Because that guy is a fucking idiot and you really shouldn't be taking advice from idiots.

Ordering In A Restaurant

Honest to God why is this such a big deal? It's food! It's keeping you alive! It really isn't a million-dollar question. I can understand the dilemma that arises when you can't decide between pizza and Chinese food, because that's two different cuisines, but sitting in a restaurant for 20 minutes trying to decide whether to go for the salmon or the prawns is nothing short of rage inducing. Especially when you said you were getting steak before you even entered the building! Get it together!

Handbag Maintenance

I'll admit, it's very handy at times having a bottomless array of bits and bobs available to you. It can be like a Swiss-Army knife, a tool for every job and any eventuality. That's cool. But have you ever been asked to retrieve anything from one of these bags? Or worse, carry one? My idea of a good time doesn't involve wading through crazy amounts of make-up, cans of dry shampoo and emergency face washes to find your contacts at the bottom. Sort it out for fuck sake!

Getting Ready

I think we all know where this is going. Guys have the three S's, Shower, Shave, Shit. Sorted. To be honest, two of those aren't even necessary.

Women, on the other hand, have a whole alphabet of preparation to go through before they leave the house. You have to realise you're doing it for other girls because most of it goes completely unnoticed by guys. Seriously, getting ready for 3 hours is cutting down on your pre-drinking time. When you're absolutely shit-faced in 5 hours, sitting on the street putting chips into your face whilst clumsily trying to keep your knees together it won't count for anything.

Handling Food Cravings

You're on a diet, we get it. We understand you can't eat cookies and ice-cream. We also understand that you desperately want to. Seriously, we get it. So when you give in and start having cheat days, saying "Oh my diet starts tomorrow", you just look hypocritical. Hypocritical and annoying. Have some self-control and handle your shit girl!

Fake Tan

Fake tan. Oh fake tan. I don't know where to begin. When it's done bad, it's awful. Nobody wants to meet an Oompa-Loompa only to find out they don't know how to make chocolate and have no idea where the nearest chocolate factory is. That's disappointing and it's downright false-advertising.

It's baffling that girls continue to use so much fake tan! A little bit is fine, but nobody on the face of this earth finds that orangey/brown look appealing. How this information hasn't percolated through your ranks is one of the true wonders of the universe. It isn't a good look! Get better at it!

Self-Loathing

Self-loathing and rhetorical questions go hand in hand here. "Jesus, I look like an absolute whale today! I'm so fat. Aren't I?" OK so what can anyone do here. Any man facing this preposterous situation has entered into psychological warfare. Basically, men are fucked no matter what they say.

I'll just take the bullet please... that was an option wasn't it?

Dealing With Small Animals

I like small animals. I get it; the big eyes, the furry stuff... I get it. But I don't have to stop my day to make a series of "OMGzz" and "Awwwwhhs". Cut it out. Animals are nice, some of them are very nice. Some of them are delicious! If we stopped to shower them all with praise NOTHING would get done! Get it together girls!