What Not To Say To An Unemployed Person

Being unemployed is one of the shittest feelings ever. You live in fear of people asking what it is you do now, you feel undefined, bored and worst of all, so very, very broke. If you've never gone through it, then you simply couldn't understand the total awfulness of the situation and so therefore, you'll probably say things that you really shouldn't. So here, as my way of stopping any further awkward situations for you, is what not to say to an unemployed person. Don't do it. I beg...

1) "Oh you must have so much free time!"

Yes. I do have a lot of free time. Free, depressing, boring, misery filled time, that's usually spent alone because everyone else I know actually has a job.

2) "God, you're lucky! I hate my job, I wish I was unemployed."

Really? REALLY? With that one sentence, you have proved that you're about as sensitive as Adolf himself circa 1939.

3) "Nice one, you get to lie in every day. I'm jealous."

Ooh yes because who wouldn't be insanely jealous of my, oh so fucked up sleeping pattern, that means I wake up at noon every day and stay glued to Netflix until approximately 3.55 am every morning. Oh it's all fun and games for the first five days, then the depression sinks in.

4) "Have you looked for a job?"

No actually, I've decided to give up on the whole career thing, in order to fulfill the dream of being a recluse. Thanks for the concern though.

5) "Why were you fired?"

I was too good at my job. So good, in fact, that they told me I was showing the rest of the workforce up. Pity really.

6) "Ohhhhh shit one..."

Yes, it is a shit one, thank you for pointing that out. You've really cleared up any confusion about the shit state that is my life.

7) "What's your plan now?"

Right now? Right now, I'm plotting my escape from you actually. After that, no idea.

8) "God you must be bored."

In regard to this subject matter, yes, I am incredibly bored. So if you would care to move the conversation along, I'd really like that.

9) "Have you considered Canada?"

No. I have not yet resigned myself to the fact that there are no job opportunities in this country and therefore am sticking my head in the sand, so to speak. Flying across the world to work in a manky bar purely for tips, isn't really on my life plan, as of yet.

10) "You studied Arts? Good luck with the job hunt so."

Do you not think I feel bad enough for wasting three years of my life on 'studying' Philosophy? I do feel very bad, very bad indeed. Now fuck off and enjoy being an accountant for the rest of your life.

11) "You get €144 a week for doing nothing?"

As if going to collect the dole wasn't quite soul crushing enough, you may be unaware that in order to apply for the dole, you must go for an interview. Yes, you read that right Ladies and Gentlemen. Talk about irony. So if you want to continue to ridicule me for living off what you'd earn in seven hours, then go right ahead. I have friends in dole offices now, after all.

12) "What about going back to College?"

What about giving me the twenty grand needed to do just that? No? Then what about fucking right on off?

13) "What do you DO every day?"

Plot the extermination of individuals like yourself, since you really want to know. That and watching videos of puppies. See above for evidence.