7 New Patron Saints Modern Ireland Needs Right Now
Despite being officially a monotheistic religion Catholicism has a whole host of minor gods to pray to in your time of need. Namely, saints. Often saints are canonised after being martyred and are made the patron of professions and activities they were somewhat involved in. If you're ever afflicted by something that falls under a patron saint's purview you can fire them a quick prayer and get it sorted.
Here are a list of things that sorely need a patron saint to sort them out.
1. The patron saint of dying batteries
There's a grim fatalism that sets in when your phones battery falls below 10%; it's akin to the feeling of being the captain of a sinking ship, no hyperbole. Many people try everything they can to squeeze just a few more minutes out of their faltering power; turning off the wifi, turning down the back light, crying a inside.
The patron saint of dying batteries would be martyred after getting locked into the Dicey's cloakroom and being unable to call for help, eventually becoming overwhelmed by the smell of spilled Sol. Praying to them would net you another 4% battery life to make a vital call.
2. The patron saint of unpaid internships
Unpaid internships are how middle aged managers fuck college graduates without getting HR involved. When you're searching through job listings for something, anything, that doesn't require four millennia of experience; pray to the patron saint of unpaid internships. She would be martyred after starving to death as an unpaid social media intern in a tech start up, and she will ward away those horrific internships.
3. The patron saint of Hailo
Hailo is the epitome of convenience, you can order a taxi right to your location any time you need it. So, naturally now everyone leaves it to the last possible minute to order taxis, subjecting themselves to the 'searching for driver' screen.
The patron saint of Hailo would be martyred outside of Copper's, having frozen to death while waiting for a taxi. Pray to her and hopefully she can help you find a driver before the same fate befalls you.
4. The patron saint of Dublin Bus real time information service
You may recognise the Dublin Bus real time information service from those lying LED boxes beside bus stops. The real time information service operates in some manner of quantum simultaneity state where the next bus is at once; late, early, and not in existence, only collapsing into one state when you finally lose hope.
The patron saint of Dublin bus would have been martyred stepping out in front of a bus that wasn't due at her stop for six hours, praying to her will either make the real time information at least 20% more accurate.
5. The patron saint of Boojum queues
Boojum is unequivocally the MOST tolerable of all the burrito chains in the country, so naturally there's always a queue out the door, damning all within to a long wait until they can get some Mexican tolerableness.
The patron saint of Boojum will be martyred from prolonged exposure to habanero fumes in the Boojum queue. Praying to him will not only net you a short queue but that girl who wraps the burritos up might actually notice you oh my gawsh you guys!
6. The patron saint of last minute essays
The part of the brain that measures time and controls deadlines isn't fully formed in the average college student. Naturally, this means that every essay ever will be completed at 4am in a coffee fuelled drowse-frenzy.
The patron saint of last minute essays will be martyred by caffeine poisoning, and praying to them will give you a burst of mental focus to get through that final 500 words.
7.The patron saint of Amber Leaf
Plucking your pouch of tobacco from the box and feeling a worrying lightness is the worst case scenario on any sesh. A quick prayer to the patron saint of Amber Leaf will ensure that you have just enough to get one last rollie out of it.
Oh, we nearly forgot to mention what she'd be martyred by; Cancer. She'll die of lung cancer. On account of all the rollies. Fuck, that's grim.
