13 Things You Should Never Say To A Naked Woman

So you've achieved the impossible. You've managed to get her naked. Well done, go you! Don't mess it up now, for the love of God.  All it takes are a few simple words and you'll shut that whole thing down. Don't be a fool. Follow this guide of things that you should, one thousand percent, never, ever say when with a naked woman and the rest will go swimmingly for you. Hopefully.

1) "Have you gained weight?"

Have you a death wish?

2) "I think I'll turn the lights off now."

How about no?

3) "Wow your boobs are way smaller without that bra..."

It's not called a Wonder for nothing...

4) "Your hips really don't lie..."

Shakira makes it sexy, therefore I make it sexy.

5) "Christ you'll crush me, I'd better go on top."

No...Let me. Let me obstruct your lung capacity and watch you wither slowly in pain.

6) "Not a fan of waxing, no?"

Not a fan of living, no?

7) "Bread really does make you bloat."

Bread is one of Gods finest creations and any slice of batch is worth a belly bulge.

8) "I can see why you call them thunder thighs now."

How's about you get between them and I snap your neck faster than lightening?

9) "How's about getting back into your clothes again?"

No problem. Following that, I'm going to get back into my car and get the fuck away from you and maybe have some bread in the process.

10) "Would you look at that, my waist is smaller than yours."

Yes and if I had a penis, that would undoubtedly be bigger too.

11) "I think it's time you start working out, in fact, let's skip sex and go for a run right now."

Oh you'd better start running.

12) "You look a lot smaller with your clothes on."

That's where slimming colours and patterns come into play.

13) "What diet are you supposed to be on again?"

A little diet known as the see-food diet. Whereby I see food everywhere and then eat said food.