13 Thoughts Your Girlfriend Has During A Fight

Girls love to fight. Actually, let me rephrase that, girls love to fight with their boyfriends. It could be over anything from the way you eat your breakfast, to how little you acknowledged us on Facebook this week. Speaking as a girl, I can tell you now that there are sometimes no explanations, no reasons, no exact pinpointed moments as to why we're flying off the proverbial handle at you. Blame it on hormones, blame it on the weather, there isn't much you can do to prevent it, other than being the world's most perfect boyfriend (good luck with that). What I can help you with though, is understanding and decoding what's actually going through her mind during a crazy session of hating you. Sit back and don't relax (she's probably watching you)...

1) "I hate you so fucking much that it's taking everything within me to not kill you right now."

Your face is so smug/ disinterested/ uncaring that it's infuriating me beyond words or reason. If you'd just act sorry for whatever thing it is that you've done, I'm sure I'd be a lot less crazy. The fact that you're saying little to nothing right now, is doing little to stem the fury rising within me. Must calm down.

2) "I should really lower my voice but I'm actually kind of enjoying shouting."

There are many times throughout the day when I have to stop myself from screaming. From the bus not showing up, to the loud person in the coffee shop, to your friend telling you about things that you do not wish to hear about, there are times when you just need to let it all out and during a petty fight is the perfect time. Just remember, the louder you shout, the more your words will be heard. Or something to that effect.

3) "Why are you sighing? Are you a cat beside the fire? Are you incapable of speaking like a normal, decent human being? WELL?"

Men have an infuriating habit of loudly sighing when they can't think of anything good to say. The reasoning behind this is unknown, but I'm willing to bet that it's something to do with how stupid that they can be. When we've gone full scale crazy and are in the middle of an argument, we want something to bounce back off and a sigh just won't cut it. Step up men.

4) "Look me in the eye you cowardly fool."

This immediately tells us that something is up, you're not being totally  honest and open with us and therefore we're just going to get madder. Is the ground the secret to holding your secrets. Well? IS IT?

5) "I can't tell you why I'm mad at you because it relates to me snooping on your Facebook, therefore I'm going to make you guess what you did wrong."

Men, you probably think that we're just pretty normal. You probably think that we use social media as a method of connecting with our friends online. A way of bantering over make-up and pillow fights and puppies. WRONG. We use it as a way and means of observing all of your wrong-doings. A cheeky like here, a follow there. Think we won't notice? Think again.

6) "I also noticed that you liked that hot girls profile picture. Wanker."

See above. We miss nothing. NOTHING.

7) "No I will NOT calm down or relax. Don't even utter those words to me."

The word relax coming from your boyfriend has the exact opposite effect on all sane females. Normally, this word means 'chill out, enjoy yourself, you've earned it'. Coming from a snotty man friend though, it tends to mean, "calm your tits, you're overreacting, being unnecessarily dramatic, just breathe." Of course we're going to get even more riled up. So basically, it's all your fault.

8) "I am withholding sex from you for at least two weeks. That'll show you."

I don't know why we see this as a punishment because us ladies like sex just as much as you. Perhaps it's that age old method of torture that's been engrained in our minds. When you think about it, it's just as much a self-punishment as anything else.

9) "Say something so I can get even madder at you."

If you give us something, anything, in response to our torrent of abuse, we will retaliate and become six times madder. What you're saying is totally irrelevant, you could be calling us the most brilliant person in the world and we'll still hate you. Nice effort though. Idiot.

10) "I feel as though I've lost this battle, but I'm not giving up now. I must keep on fighting."

Girls are great at this. We've probably realised ten minutes ago that this fight wasn't worth having and that we've lost anyway, but that won't stop us. No, we'll keep on grinding until we've worn you down and you'll apologise prematurely in a bid to end this battle. Success.

11) "I think my time has come to slam a door. That'll really rile him up."

This may be the work of our inner pubescent girl coming out of retirement for one last show. At least, that's what we'll tell ourselves when we're the opposite side of the door and we've just realised what utter tits we've made ourselves out to be.

12) "Feeling rather tired now. The door slamming appears to have had no effect on him."

The emotional trauma of being excessively dramatic has worn us down by now and we're more than likely craving a good hard nap. The door slamming combined with the 'sore throat induced' shouting, have made you realise that you've just spent twenty minutes doing this. You could have made pancakes in that time. Mmmmm pancakes.

13) "That was pointless. But I'm still right. Sex?"

I take back nothing about what I just said, apart from the fact that I'm actually quite frisky right now. Sex?