Dating 101: 14 Things That Women Really Want

It's the age-old question, or so I've been told. Even Freud couldn't figure it out because, y'know, that's the be all and end all of understanding. What do women want? Well, lads, I'm here to tell you. Take notes, it's a definite way to get the woman of your dreams in a dating mood.

14) Pee Around Her Bed/House/Desk

Everyone knows that men can smell each other's scents. She will appreciate that you are just trying to keep other men away, since they are only interested in thrusting their sexual advances on her.

13) 'Does my bum look big in this?'

When a girl asks this, she just wants you to be honest. There is no need to be coy, just inform her that you love her in spite of her giant arse. That way, she'll know you're in it for the long haul.

12) Ask If One Of Her Friends Would Be Interested In A Threesome

Of course. It's only been a couple of weeks but the sex is stale already and you're sure that one of her friends would be willing to help. It's nothing to do with your pleasure, you just want to keep the relationship alive. You want to keep her happy, right?

11) List Every Girl You've Been With

Don't forget to include what was great about all of them, in detail. If your mother loved them, all the better. She can pick and choose characteristics from each and become a kind of girlfriend-transformer.

10) Rate Her In Bed

She needs to know exactly what you think of her sexual prowess, and how you think she can improve. She'll instantly change her technique and you will both be better for it.

9) Cry Outside Her House Late At Night

It'll show her that you are emotionally available, there is nothing sexier than a man who sobs uncontrollably for no reason. It's even better if she lives with her parents/roommates, so they can see just what a deep man you are.

8) Advise Her To Get Rid Of Her Friends

They are only in your way. She'll see that you are looking out for her because they really are just jealous. You can be her only friend now.

7) Ejaculate Early

She will realise just how attractive you find her. That's always a nice pick-me-up for every lady - her pleasure doesn't matter anyway so there's no need to worry about that. Her self esteem is pleasure enough.

6) Advise Her To Change Her Grooming Regiment

You just want what's best for her, right? You want her to know that there are ways in which she can subtly change her appearance that will be pleasurable to you. If not, just withhold sex until she follows through.

5) Speak To Everyone In The Club But Her

She must see you in the light of a man who can have anyone he wants, then she'll respect you. The more stand-offish she becomes, the better - that's how you know it's working.

4) Tell Her That You Hope She Doesn't End Up Looking Like Her Mother

Tell her she's getting older and it won't be long now before she's middle-aged. Maybe even point out a wrinkle? She'll swoon over the fact that you are thinking of your future together.

3) Text/Message Other Women

So you are texting other women? Great. She will notice that you are trying to get into a female frame of mind, it will just make your connection stronger.

2) Behave So Aloof That She Thinks You Hate Her

This is an important one. Women like to fight for affection, the more you think of her as a stranger, the better. Maybe don't contact her for a week or so and then turn up again? It'll keep her on her toes. Girls love spontaneity.

1) 'Forget' To Invite Her To That Wedding/Holiday You've Been Planning

If she asks about it, tell her you didn't think she would want to go as there are only couples involved. It doesn't matter, she probably would have tried to join in with your dancing/fun, but you are a solo master.