Public Displays of Affection: Where To Draw The Line?

We all know one couple who constantly make everyone in their company feel horrifically awkward. They nibble each other’s ears and call each other snuggle-bottom etc. It is a guaranteed way to make people not like you. Okay, I get it, you’re in love. Be as sappy as you like. Rub her hair, tell her you love her weird eyes and shit. But, for fuck sake keep it to yourselves. The expression; “Get a room....bro” didn't come from nowhere. People don’t enjoy witnessing your over-affectionate antics.

It’s fine to give her a cheeky slap on the backside every now and then but, use your head. Don’t be a dork. Here is the definitive list of what is and what isn't acceptable when it comes to public displays of affection.

Unacceptable:

• Mauling the absolute face off each other

Do not, under any circumstances, play passionate tonsil-hockey anywhere other than your home. Unless you're both completely shit-faced. Even then, you probably shouldn't do this... ever.

• Calling each other affectionate nicknames

Snuggle bottom, kissy wissy, bae. Do yourselves a favor. Shut the fuck up. No one cares for your weird affectionate names. It's really embarrassing. Stop.

• Rubbing each other’s legs etc when you’re with company

Just don't. It makes everyone really uncomfortable.

• Kissing every minute

We get it. You like each other. Get over it.

• Being weirdly lovey-dovey

This is the same kind of principle as most of the other points. It makes you look like a jealous freak and yet again makes everyone in your presence very uncomfortable.

• Anything in anyway sexual.

This is further explained below. This is the most taboo thing you could possibly do. It is highly embarrassing. Grotesquely awkward, and just generally inappropriate. This is absolutely not a runner.

• Saying weird shit about what the two of you get up to at home.

  Stop. Just..Just stop.

Acceptable:

• Holding hands.

This makes you look like a gent. It allows you to show your affection for your other half in an undertone sort of way. It allows you to assert your dominance without looking like an over-protective geek.

• Having your arm around her.

I'm mad for this one. This is more a night-time act. It allows you to warm her, show your affection and use her as something to lean on.

• Kissing her occasionally on her forehead.

This is a great one. But, do it sparingly. A little peck on the head once every 2 hours will suffice. Don't over do it. You'll look weird. Oh, and you'll get make-up all over your lips.

• Being a gent, holding the door and shit.

This goes without saying. Being a gent is something you should do no matter what. You shouldn't have to think about this stuff. Being a gent is a fundamental skill set every man should possess.

I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m absolutely mad for a cuddle or two. But, keep it private please. You don’t want to look like those 14-year-old foreign exchange students who have just discovered that sex is nice. It’s not rocket science.

Peace.

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