The Painful Stages Of Meeting Her Parents For The First Time...

Meeting the parents is a crucial turning point in any relationship, but it's usually that bit more awkward for the guy. That may be because your lady friend's father knows exactly how you think, he was in the same position as you once, and he knows exactly what goes on in that filthy little mind of yours, making him mistrust and loathe you. Well, that's the mental process you come up against when first meeting your girlfriend's dad anyway.

It's a tough, traumatic process to meet her parents the first time around, and to get through it you will experience the following stages;

1) Denial

This isn't happening. Why did I agree to this? It was a stupid idea anyway, it's not too late to bail, I could say I have an emergency at home – shit, the front door's opening.

2) Anxiety

Oh no, oh no oh no. There's so much sweat. I'm so impossibly moist. I didn't know the human body could produce this much perspiration, there's enough to drown a small kitten. Oh God, please don't shake my hand, please don't shake my hand, aaand he shook my hand. The look of disgust on his face, he's gonna need a towel for that. I think I'm dying inside.

3) Self-consciousness

Okay, so we're going straight to the dinner table, that's good because my legs appear to have turned to jelly. Oh joy, now my hands are also gelatinous and incapable of firmly grasping cutlery and everyone's looking at me. Have I always chewed this loudly? Someone should have told me. I need to use the bathroom but the bathroom is right next to the dining room and they'll hear the splash and forever know me as 'That Guy Who Pooed During Dinner'. Hold it in, man.

4) Anger

Hold up, did someone just pass comment on the usefulness, or lack thereof, of my Arts degree? Are these fuckers patronising me?! They wouldn't be so fresh if they knew what I did to their daughter on that couch over there...

5) Paranoia

Oh God, what if they know that I defiled their furniture? Were there stains? Can they smell the sex on us?! He knows what I've done to his precious little angel and he hates me for it, I can see it in his eyes.

6) Existentialism

Why are we even here? It's pretty apparent no one wants to be here, so why bother? Why must we label everything, what even is a boyfriend, anyway?

7) Speculation

So that's what she'll look like in 20 years? Jesus wept.

8) Random Horniness

Well hello, GF's sister... oh yes! Is it obvious that I want to sleep with her?

9) Desperation

Christ, don't leave me alone with your dad! Oh no, just the two of us now. Please make him stop listing interests we don't share. And if there's one thing worse than the tedious conversation it's the silence between that seems to go on for-fucking-ever. Oh dear God, please help me.

10) Bargaining

"Psst, I'll actually pay you to cut this short. I don't know, play the "ladies problems" card or something."

11) Acceptance

Oh, thank fuck, it's winding down, we can leave when this cup of tea is finished. That wasn't so bad. Piece of piss really. But, if at all possible, let's try to never do it again.