The 9 Fight Tactics Of An Angry Woman

First of all. Why would you anger her? Why? Are you crazy? I'm going out on a limb here and presuming that you had a good reason to do something as stupid as this. An angry woman is one of the most frightening things you'll ever encounter and therefore, as a woman who has had her fair share of angry moments, I'm here to prep you for the rough stages ahead, as a victim of her anger. Here are the 9 fight tactics that every angry woman uses. I really do pity the fool...

1) The Icy Silence.

Following your first outburst/accusation/fight kicker-offer, she won't say anything. She will probably sit there and take it all in. You may think at first that perhaps she's maturing, she's going to approach this like an adult, calmly and with caution. Do not be lured into a false sense of security. She is merely building up her fight mode. It's like putting a dish of beans in the microwave, covering them with tinfoil and expecting a song to emerge. BOOM, SPLAT!

2) The Hidden Ammo.

You thought she didn't notice when you liked that girl's photo? When you wished your horrible girlfriend a "super birthday?" When you forgot to buy her a birthday card? WOMEN NEVER FORGET. This much you will learn quickly.

3) Excessive Swearing.

Just because she's a pretty, petite lady at the best of times, does not mean that she won't call you the biggest fuckhead in the history of fuckheads, at the worst of times. There will be more fucks flying than you ever thought possible. They'll be soaring, in fact. Just let her rant. She'll wear herself down eventually.

4) The Cold Harsh Truth.

She's going to tell you exactly what she really thinks of you. Every gruesome detail. The sneaking suspicion that she dislikes your family, friends and hair, will be voiced loudly and clearly. Also, those chinos you wear are too tight, your style is shit and size DOES matter. Hurts, doesn't it?

5) Questions/No Answers.

The words "excuse me" are usually used in a polite context, except when used by an extremely angry woman. When she says "excuse me," what she really means is that she wants you to repeat the completely stupid shit that you've just uttered, so that she can really begin to build a stupid case against you. Also, she's asking you the same facts over and over again, in the vague hope that you'll fuck up some of them. Nice try.

6) Dragging Up The Past.

Remember that fight that you don't actually even remember? She sure does. What.. But... That was two years ago? EXACTLY. Exactly what? What's happening? Help....

7) Storming Out Dramatically.

By now she'll probably have worn herself out, what with all of the shouting, swearing, and remembering that she's been doing. So in order to fully prepare for the next stage of punishing you, she is now going to storm out and tell you to, under no uncertain terms, "fuck off," followed by at least three doors being slammed. This is purely for dramatic effect. You understand.

8) The Silent Treatment.

Don't worry if she doesn't talk to you all that much, even if she says she is "fine." As every man worth his salt will know, a woman being "fine" is the equivalent of a man having "severe ball ache." Though, if you actually manage to get "fine" out of her, then you're doing well because most of this period will be spent in separate rooms with no online contact and no action for you whatsoever, until she decides otherwise. Unlucky.

9) Turning Her Friends Against You.

Six days (minimum) later and you finally think that you've gotten over this stumbling block, so to speak. She's finally thawed out and cooled down. You begin to relax. Let me be the first to inform you that your relief is short lived, because it's pretty much guaranteed that she has told all of her long suffering girlfriends once again about what an utter dick you are. So they now need the adequate time to process their anger in a timely, bitchy fashion. Let this be a lesson to all of mankind. Never, ever start a fight with a woman. She will always, always win.