The Lone Ranger
At the time of writing, The Lone Ranger has grossed roughly $175,000,000 worldwide; a figure seventy-five million dollars short of its budget. What's causing such a spectacular flop!? Well for starters, the action sequences are too few and far between, and when they do show up they're strangely unsatisfying and really kind of boring. Johnny Depp is playing that same goofy routine he's been doing since Edward Scissorhands, Armie Hammer brings absolutely nothing interesting to the table and the whole experience is a gruelling two and a half hours in length. Like a nasty horse-meat lasagne that's been in the oven too long, it was never great to begin with, and it's just overdone.
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
A sequel to 2010's Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, this latest foray into the sillier side of Greek mythology is just as quirky as its predecessor, though it unfortunately retains the problems too. If any films have ever tried to ape the Harry Potter franchise then it's the Percy Jacksons. Not only does it mirror Rowling's beloved characters (there's a reserved but secretly confident lead, his comic relief insecure friend and a nerdy token female) but, without giving away, lets just say the scriptwriters are clearly big fans of the goings on at Hogwarts. Unfortunately it's nowhere near as good as its inspiration, but if you're looking for an action-packed, unoriginal night at the cinema, then Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters will deliver the goods.
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The Smurfs 2
Was the world really pining for a sequel to The Smurfs? Would there be a sense of unfulfilment, disarray and emptiness if the story wasn't continued? Every superhero gets an origin story these days, from Batman to Superman, and now it's Smurfette's turn! The crazy plot synopsis is that Smurfette is stolen by a mad scientist in order to harvest her 'Smurf essence' (now now, this is a kid's movie), but CAN she save the day!? Kids and adults alike simply aren't interested in this film, perhaps due to Despicable Me 2 fatigue, although the poor animation and nonsensical story surely have something to do with it. Or maybe it's the atrocious Smurf-related puns that are keeping cinema-goers at bay - "Smurfhome Syndrome" is a good example. Stomach-churning.
Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa
Never has there been a movie so clearly aimed at a target audience. Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa is written with the implication that viewers are a) already familiar with fictitious disc jockey Partridge, and b) that they appreciate the sort of homely British comedy as syndicated on TV channels like G.O.L.D. and Dave. That said, if all you know about Partridge is that Steve Coogan plays him and that he's repugnant yet endearing, then you should have fun here. Relying on wordplay, witticisms and well-written jokes to supply the laughs, Alpha Papa is a refreshing distraction from the wealth of American comedies that focus a bit too much on toilet humour (looking at you Adam Sandler). Worth seeing for the wonderful pokes at the Irish alone.
Don't forget to check out last week's reviews of RED 2, The Conjuring, Grown-Ups 2 and more.
