Ah, drinking. It is always the solution. When you feel like shit, "ah sure, pub?" when things are good, "few drinks, yeah?" and the best of all, when you somehow managed to pass another semester/you're STI free/you've found out that your ex has gotten fat. A person's choice of booze is pretty revealing. So if you're on a first date and you spot the lad sipping a Cosmopolitan, it's probably best to just call it a night. Here's what those all-important drink orders expose...
1. Beer
You are a nice, safe person. Harmless. Missionary is most likely your go-to position. And there is nothing wrong with that. Unless you drink cans of Pratzky. Then, my friend, you just lose at life. Or win, depending on how you look at it.
2. Gin
Ah, the g&t. Didn't Dylan Moran say you had to be "45, female and sitting on a stairs" to drink it? He forgot, "be a moany fucker in general." As is anyone I've come across who actually enjoys the God-awful taste.
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3. Whiskey
My love. If you drink whiskey + water +no ice, you're a 70 year old man. And if you don't, then you are on the inside. If you choose whiskey and coke, you kinda believe that you are a bit superior to your fellow drinks. Similar to the Scotch drinker, but better at hiding it.
4. Shots
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Ah schtop. Put the collar down and stop high-fiving your mates. You are a tool.
5. Cider
Cider drinkers are rubbish, really. Who has ever started a great story with "I was pissed outta my face on Koppaberg..."? No one, unless they're seventeen and at some shitty family event.
6. Wine
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You probably think of yourself as a more sophisticated drinker, possibly a bit classier. Well that depends. If you know your Riojas from your Malbecs, and your Pinot Grigios from your Chardonnays, then congratulations, you are a pain in the ass to drink with. Or you could be more, "Can I have the cheapest white wine please?" "Sure, Sauvignon Blanc, or..?" ".....I said cheapest." Then wine must've been your first ever drink and you're just not arsed changing.
7. Guinness
A good Irish drink. Fair play. Just never share a bed with anyone after they've been on it for the night.
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8. Bacardi Breezer
Are you 16? No? Ah so you must be an antibiotics.
9. Vodka
Not suitable for the "I'll just go for one." Vodka is said to turn some into two people. The most popular is someone who wakes up with a tooth missing and no idea where their underwear is.
10. Imported Beer
People who swig away at imported beer are usually seen as assholes. And if you were wondering where the fuck that ever came from, it's because they are almost always assholes. They like to come across as cultured and intellectual and will spout out a few philosophical quotes whilst wondering if they'll get a decent blowjob outta this.
