It is for these moments that we keep certain people close to us; certain people particularly adept with pen, with paper, with spreadsheet, with laminated itinerary, they are of course, the perennially organised. Typically, their insistent badgering and intrepid reminders of how far ahead or behind their pre-prepared schedule you are are running serve as little more than an agonising annoyance. And yet, throughout the year, we tolerate them, their habits, their predilections, tolerate them so that for one brief moment a year, their zeal for admin will become a tremendous boon as opposed to an oppressive hindrance - and that time is during the planning of festivals.
When festivals announce their stage times these adminophiles spring into a veritable frenzy of action. Spreadsheets open, highlighters cock at the ready and they will meticulously plan out a timetable almost militaristic in its ruthlessness and efficiency. Every last movement and detail will be planned out, minimising scheduling clashes between favoured acts, apportioning time for eating etc. It is for these moments we keep them around. And it is now, with Electric Picnic having announced their stage times for this year, that you should commune with them. It is now that you should welcome these, oft-tedious souls with their laminated itineraries, back into your fold, as it is to them you will look when you are on your third day of the festival, your once nubile body now little more than a withered husk - to them you will turn and ask, with dry mouth and chapped lips, with words rasping from your throat, "Mate, what time are The Kooks on?"
So without further ado - though there will be some more of this somewhat needless ado below if you are interested - here are the times as given by Electric Picnic, for the acts on the Main, Body & Soul, Other Voices and Rankin's Wood stages:
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MAIN STAGE
Friday
10.40pm-midnight – Kendrick Lamar
9-10pm – Walking on Cars
7.30-8.30pm – Chvrches
6-7pm – Ash
5-5.30pm – Brand New Friend
Saturday
12.15-1.30am – Massive Attack
10.30-11.30pm – NERD
8.45-9.45pm – Dua Lipa
7-8pm – Gavin James
5.15-6.15pm – Mavis Staples
3.30-4.30pm – Gomez
1.45-2.45pm– Hudson Taylor
Sunday
10.30pm-midnight – The Prodigy
8.45-9.45pm – Picture This
7-8pm – George Ezra
5.30-6.30pm – Nile Rodgers & Chic
4.15-5pm – Garbage
2.30-3.30pm – Inner Circle
1-2pm – Dublin Gospel Choir
BODY & SOUL
Friday
2.45-3.45am – Bon Voyage
1.15-2.15am – Bitch Falcon
11.45-12.45pm – Super Extra Bonus Party
10.15-11.15pm – Bad Bones
8.45-9.45pm – The Brummies
7.15-8.15pm – Roe
6-6.45pm – Paddy Hanna
5-5.30pm – Hvmmingbyrd
Saturday
2.30-3.30am – Youngr
midnight-1am – Ryan Vail
10.45-11.30pm – Gundelach
9.15-10pm – Halo Maud
8-8.45pm – The Modern Strangers
6.45-7.30pm – Laoise
5.30-6.15pm – Pillow Queens
4.15-5pm – Lilla Vargen
3-3.45pm – O Emperor
1.45-2.30pm – Slow Place Like Home
12.45-1.15pm – Tracy Bruen
12.15-12.45pm – The Blue Notes
Sunday
2.55-3.45am – Daithí
1.15-2.15am – RSAG
midnight-12.45am – Hak Baker
10.45-11.30pm – Soulé
9.30-10.15pm – Ruby Empress
8.15-9pm – Fontaines DC
7-7.45pm – David Keenan
5.45-6.30pm – James Canty
4.30-5.15pm – Barq
3.15-4pm – Oscar Jerome
2-2.45pm – Sleep Thieves
1-1.30pm – Orchic Collective
OTHER VOICES
Friday
10.30-11.10pm – David Kitt
9.30-10pm – Special guest
8.20-9pm – Seamus Fogarty
7.10-7.50pm – David Keenan
6.10-6.40pm – Dowry
5.10-5.40pm – The Murder Capital
4-4.40pm – Booka Brass
Saturday
11.50pm-12.40am – Kojaque
10.30-11.20pm – Jafaris
9.30-10pm – TBC
8.30-9pm – Special guest
7-7.40pm – whenyoung
5.50-6.30pm – Stella Donnelly
4.40-5.20pm – Soak
3.30-4.10pm – Halo Maud
2.30-3pm – Special guest
1.30-2pm – Inhaler
Sunday
9.45-10.25pm – Kormac + ICO
8.20-9pm – Columbia Mills
7.20-7.50pm – TBC
6.20-6.50pm – Gwenno
5.10-5.50pm – Lost Brothers
4-4.40pm – Ye Vagabonds
RANKIN’S WOOD
Friday
8.30-9.45pm – 2FM Live: The Story of Hip Hop Part 3
Saturday
11pm-12.30am – Nina Kraviz
9.30-10.30pm – King Krule
8-9pm – Mount Kimbie
6.30-7.30pm – Tom Misch
5.15-6pm – Dermot Kennedy
4.00-4.45pm – Maggie Rogers
2.45 - 3.30pm – Mik Pyro
1.30-2pm – Laoise
Sunday
10.30pm-midnight – DJ Koze
9-10pm – Death Grips
7.30-8.30pm – The Blaze
6-7pm – Denis Sulta
4.45-5.30pm – Stefflon Don
3.30-4.15 pm– Wild Youth
2.30-3pm – Columbia Mills
1.30-2pm – Sorcha Richardson
Organised people of the world, it is now incumbent upon you to cobble some sort of workable timetable together out of this hectic maelstrom of activity so that the shambolic, the woefully the disorganised, the 99% can ride on your punctual coat-tails between acts and stages. Indeed I remember the first festival timetable that was ever devised for me, it is etched onto my memory - and inner thigh after an ill-fated visit to a tattoo parlour, mid-fest.
Saturday:
09:00 - 09:15: Wake up, extricate self from sweat-soaked sleeping bag.
09:15 - 09:30: Attempt to come to terms with shame incurred from previous days events.
09:30 - 10:00: Breakfast (can of mackerel, half a can of tepid Grolsch, leftover from night before)
10:00 - 10:10: Brief lie-down to try and shake the nausea brought on by above breakfast.
10:10 - 12:00: Don waterproof poncho and sit in deck-chair in drizzle will sinking several cans of supermarket branded lager.
12:00 - 12:05: Visit Portaloo for toilet purposes (allow extra 5 minutes for complications/ a brief cry if the mood takes you).
12:05/12:10 - 13:30: The Hoosiers.
etc.
