I am not one to hyperbolise. Indeed, I have always prided myself on my ability to keep a cool-head in even the most testing of situations. It is one of the many reasons that I curse the fact that I have been born out of time and am working now, as a writer of frothy and irreverent online-only content, instead of in a profession, and at a time, that would more richly benefit from my unique set of skills; such as being the officer of a German U-Boat in the First World War; a Portugese naval captain during the Age of Exploration, or Mariah Carey's PA - but alas, it is not to be and I am here. I like to think that I can maintain a measured assessment of any presented scenario and come to a logical and reasonable conclusion.
And it is with that in mind that I feel confident in saying that The Great British Bake Off and, everyone involved or associated with it, is cursed. They are cursed beyond salvation and it is only a matter of time before the gazebo; all of its contained cooking equipment, and all the remaining contestants are officially condemned as hazardous and bull-dozed into a landfill.
It is evident that the whole show has been afflicted by some kind of malediction; evident because of two things: Terry being ill, and then Prue also becoming ill.
Terry, everybody's favourite Grossly Inadequate Baker™ and upholder of quaintly antiquated moustache styles, was missing from the show last week for unspecified health reasons. This led to a logistical nightmare, unprecedented in the show's history as to what should be done. It is easy to imagine the producer tasked with solving the situation, rocking back and forth in the gazebo, alternately tearing their hair out in frustration and comfort-eating all the leftover bits of cakes and things that they've salvaged from the various bins around the kitchen stations. Eventually it was decided that no one would be sent home and instead the next show - last night's - would see two people sent home.
One ill baker, sure, it's been heard of. We can pass it off as being down to the caprice of fate. One of the misfortunes washed up by the tides of life. However, as soon as it was announced last night that Prue Leith would be absent for the Showstopper after also taking ill, we can only arrive at the conclusion that a curse is in play. Two participants in a reality television baking show falling ill over consecutive weeks? It's unheard of.
As such we must do some amateur sleuthing, so that we may try get to grips with what exactly has brought about this spate of illnesses. I posit for you several theories as to what has caused this recent turn of events:
Theory 1: Rahul has baked a cake so intricate and complex it has somehow punctured reality, opening up some sort of dessert-based portal to an ulterior and malignant universe. Evidently a universe whose occupants are riddled with easily transferable winter colds, I'm specifically imagining this universe to essentially be a rush-hour packed DART-carriage on a frigid winter's morning, writ large.
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Theory 2: It seems impossible to imagine a world without Paul Hollywood; as such I posit that Paul Hollywood is some perpetual spirit-force, present on this earth, who has taken many shapes, and lived many lives, through the ages. It is only now however that he is being punished for the sins of one of these past lives by having all those around him afflicted with illness. It is also possible that he is being similarly punished for the many sins he's committed in this life.
Theory 3: One of the contestants is seeking to poison all of those in the tent to claim the prize. As Bake Off has progressed over the years, and the acclaim and prestige afforded to the winner has commensurately grown, it is only natural that those who now enter the competition covet its rewards to an unhealthy extent. As such, it is entirely possible that one of the contestants is attempting to posion all those other competitors, whose exemplary baking, stands between them and the prize. The weaknesses in this theory are the people they selected as 'competitors' to target; Prue and Terry, neither of whom would fit this assessment, for different reasons.
Theory 4: There is a certain genre of American horror film whose premise revolves around the, usually newly moved in, occupants of a house that turns out to have been built on the plot of some ancient Native American burial ground and is subsequently cursed. I propose that the same is true for the location of the baking gazebo. Though given that the curse of mild illnesses currently ravaging the baking gazebo is evidently several notches down in terms of severity compared to the brutal and gruesome murders typical of such American horror films, we can only surmise the ground the gazebo desecrates to be less hallowed. Instead of being the burial ground of some Native Americans, perhaps it marks the final resting place of say a Quaker's dog.
Theory 5: This is actually the first signs of a plague, hitherto unknown to medical science, that is set to sweep through the gazebo. In fact, the whole premise of the show - sequestering a group of people in a confined, hastily erected fabric building in a rural location - has all the hallmarks of a quarantining scenario. At least, with all their baking skills, their final days in the sick-house will be well catered.
I will let you come to your own conclusions as to which of these situations seems the most likely cause of the mysterious illness sweeping through the gazebo.
