OK, just to start us off on the right note, this is in no way having a go at Dustin. Dustin is a legend. An Irish institution. I mean the man (turkey) represented us at the Eurovision!
Dustin's brand of parody song humour was sometimes so on point and cutting though that it has left us unable to listen to those songs the same way ever again. So here are just some of the songs Dustin Ruined Forever.
1. "Rat Trap" by the Boomtown Rats ("Rat Trap" by Dustin feat Bob Geldof)
"Rat Trap" is a song that could still appeal to a lot of people in Ireland today. It's about a young man called Billy caught living in a one horse town and is disillusioned with life being stuck in this "rat trap" of a town. It's something most of us can identify with and it would probably still speak to a lot of us, if it wasn't for everytime you hear "Billy take a walk, take a walk, take a walk" you couldn't stop thinking about Dustin hilariously responding "Geldof take a wash, take a wash, take a wash!" Game over.
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2. "Lemon Tree" by Fool's Garden ("Christmas Tree" by Dustin)
"Lemon Tree" was a great one hit wonder back in the mid 90s. This song can never be listened to again because now it's a Dustin Christmas Song. "I wonder how I wonder why yesterday you told me 'bout the blue, blue sky" became "I wonder how, I wonder why Santa and his Reindeer are able to fly" which is undoubtedly much better. Even the "Isolation, is no good for me" coda is destroyed by "Decorations, they look good on trees". KO for Dustin again.
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3. "Where Do You Go To My Lovely" by Peter Sarstedt ("Where Do You Go To You're Ugly" by Dustin)
Just reading that heading alone should explain everything about why this song is ruined forever. "Where Do You Go To My Lovely" is a gorgeous love song with a hugely unique sound. If you haven't heard it before, listen to it. Imagine slow dancing at your debs or even the first dance at your wedding mouthing "Where do you go to my lovely, when you're alone in your bed? Won't you tell me the thoughts that surround you? I want to look inside your head", while staring into BAE's eyes. Now realise Dustin changed that lyric to "Where do you go to you're ugly, with your big cabbage head? What about the smell that surrounds ya, or the fleas that live in your bed?" Yeah.
4. "Never Been To Me" by Charlene ("Never Been To Meath" by Dustin)
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If you've ever been to Santa Ponsa on your holidays you've probably heard some auld wan singing this in karaoke. In fairness, of all the songs in the "ruined" category this is the one I'm least bothered by, but still. Once you've heard Dustin exclaim he's "been to paradise, but I've never been to Meath" it is nigh on impossible to hear the original without thinking about the Royal County. Dustin's version also contains the lyrical genius that is "stole a rasher from a Butcher in Cashel". Who knew Turkey's were carnivores? The food chain is all over the place.
5. "Funky Cold Medina" by Tone Loc ("Funky Ford Cortina" by Dustin)
What is a Funky Cold Medina? I have no idea, it's not even a real thing. However, I do know what a Funky Ford Cortina is AND it's a real thing. Dustin with the upper hand again. "Funky Cold Medina" was nominated for a Grammy Award in 1989 for Best Rap Performance and is a genuinely cool AF old school rap song but, in fairness, Dustin kills it and his re-working of the lyrics are genuinely still hilarious in 2017. I mean how can any 80's rapper compete with Rhyme's like "Coolin' in me car with two tickets for a film, Ace Ventura double bill for any girl who's willin'"?
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6. "Mary" by The Four Of Us ("Mary" by Dustin)
"Mary" was the biggest hit for Irish band "The Four Of Us" which is written from the perspective of a young man who's lining after a girl called Mary who's in a toxic relationship where the chorus sees him plead with her "Oh Mary, why don't you have some sense? Please do something to restore my confidence". Dustin's version however is re-written from the perspective of Dustin the Turkey after Ireland's first female President, Mary Robinson, left her post and took a job with the UN. Try listen to the original's instumental with a straight face when you've already heard Dustin's version featuring an impression of Robinson saying "An bhfuil cead agam dul amach más é do thoil é?"
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7. "Born Slippy" by Underworld ("Born Greasy" by Dustin)
Anyone who's ever seen the movie "Trainspotting" knows just how much of an anthem "Born Slippy" is. Anyone who's ever been in a club when it comes on, knows what an anthem it is. When the beat kicks in and Dustin just starts essentially listing off a massive order for the chipper. "Mega, mega large fries, large coke, quarter pounder, cheese burger, milkshake, onion rings, curry sauce, sausage roll, chicken box, snack box" etc etc. He even lampoons the iconic "Shouting Lager! Lager! Lager!" by changing it to "Larger! Larger! Larger! Larger! More chips!" Damn it Dustin, Born Slippy? Really? Is nothing sacred?!
Although, To be fair to him, these are songs Dustin ruined forever but, his parody albums have withstood the test of time, to a certain degree. Yes, some cultural references are very out of date, but they're still funny and most impressively all his humour is family friendly and none of the laughs come cheaply through the use of cursing or innuendo.
Dustin even ran for President in 1997, running under the name "Dustin Hoffman" since both a first and last name were required to register. He didn't win. Just like the Eurovision, minus the block voting.
