11 Things You're Guaranteed To See On The Late Late Toy Show

On Friday evening, a cultural institution returns to Irish screens for the 40th time. It's time to break out the good wine. It's time to buy the actual Doritos dip, instead of that other own brand shite.

Brace yourself for a night of quarrels, carols and golden barrels. It's time for The Late Late Toy Show.

And here are 14 things we guarantee you're going to see:

1) A culchie child wearing a checkered shirt of some description, and in all likelihood a hat

The kid will be wise beyond his years, but in reality all he wants to do is head back to Cavan and do a quick spot of farming while the weather is still fie-in.

2) The life slowly making its exit from Ryan Tubridy's vacant eyes as he says 'this was working earlier'

One of these years I fear he's just going to turn to a child and ask, "Do you see hope?"

3) Ryan Tubridy battling the urge to call a child out on national television as he gets shot in the ear with, I dunno, some sort of NERF Gun

He'll laugh off the first few injuries, but it's going to take every fibre of his being to keep up the brave face after taking a wrap of a light sabre across the knuckles from some lunatic at half-past-ten. Oh yeah, also expect like a lot of light sabres.

4) Actual adults - some of them parents - tweeting sarcastic quips about almost every child on the show

And just wait until they see Tubs' Christmas jumper, the insufferable arseholes. "Absolute staaate of that!" Yep, he's wearing a Christmas jumper. On a Christmas show. For children who can't wait for Christmas. Practically a terrorist, this guy.

5) Actual adults - some of them parents - tweeting 'this is shite' about a show that is literally based on toys, and designed for children

In fact, we've already got this one covered since TV3's Toy Show last weekend...

6) A singer or band that will probably be famous in a few years, like The Strypes

See also: Samantha Mumba, who appeared on the 1995 Toy Show as a Billie Barry Kid.

7) A child meeting his or her hero, who is probably Niall Horan, reducing the nation to a collectively quivering wreck

If it's anything like when Domhnall met his hero back in 2013, I - a 23-year-old man - will weep profusely. What an absolutely mega moment that was. Not to mention when Aimee met Ed last year...

8) Ryan Tubridy meeting his hero, Niall Horan

The One Direction icon has promised Tubs for yonks that he'll stop off at the Toy Show one day. With nothing else going on in the Mullingar man's calendar, surely this is Ryan's year. Surely.

9) The kids from the book corner looking down their noses at the likes of the young idiot who will inevitably crash his car into an inflatable character from Inside Out

These guys aren't here to fuck around with toys. They're here to read, to learn and to teach.

10) A forlorn Ryan Tubridy turning to the elder sibling of a particularly wild 3-year-old, as if to say 'you need to control this little fucker before I launch her into Row 12'

The sibling, aged 7, will naturally get the message and confiscate whichever toy the toddler is playing with, smoothly moving the conversation along to something weirdly profound and beautiful.

11) Tubridy struggling to silence one of Baby Born's descendants, failing, and opting to whimsically fling it about eight yards over his shoulder before turning to the audience and laughing ruefully

You're nearly there, Ryan. Breathe.

 

Heroes like this need to be protected. This is what the last Friday in November is all about.

I sincerely cannot wait for The Late Late Toy Show.