Every year, the Trinity ball is the highlight of many protestant socialites’ calender, and next year will be no exception. The ball, often regarded as the “Mecca of Proddys” or “Proddypalooza” by some, will take place on the Friday the 3rd of April next year within the confines of the college grounds just off Nassau Street.
This year, the ball played host to big named acts such as Duke Dumont, Example, Miles Kane, La Galaxie and the Dead Presidents. But the electro-filled line up was not enough to impress most of the ball’s guests, especially the women. Enya Bailey, a third-year business and economics student in the college, said she spoke on behalf of most of the girls there when she explained that “girls like us, from protestant backgrounds, don’t want to see these big rockstars, or musicians, or world-renowned DJs playing their newest hits, what’s sexy about a goodlooking millionaire that can sing? Nothing. We want an old, raunchy, educated ordaned protestant minister to deliver a surmon or a talk about how brave Martin Luther was or how we all fucking hate the Pope. Now that would be really sexy.”
Ian Paisley too believes that it’s time that the people of Trinity college get what they want. “Musicians?” he asks “Us protestants couldn’t give a fuck about those nancy boys. Nah, those fine little wet things want a real man, a man who has taken Northern Ireland from the brink of destruction and turned it into what many agree is the capital of Europe. A man who once fought the pope and won. A man who is close personal friends with ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ host Chris Tarrant.”
Paisley was then asked how he is so sure that the guests, especially the ladies, at next year’s Trinity Ball are going to love him.
“It’s tried and tested” he replied “Me and some of the other elder ministers, the Protestant Pussy Possy, pack up the van and head to Dublin twice a year or so. All we do is put on our mass robes and go and stand outside the gates of Trinity college and wait for it. Firstly, the girls walk by me and scream “Is that reverend Ian Paisley?” secondly, they shout “Ahhhhh, is that reverend Ian Paisley’s Protestant Pussy Possy?” and thirdly we’re back at the penthouse suite of the Shelbourne Hotel fondling breasts and punishing the naughty sluts’ arses. It’s a grand oul trip indeed.”
Tickets for the 2015 Trinity Ball go on sale next Thursday the 24th of April and are available from all Proddymaster outlets or online at Proddymaster.com.
