Image source: Instagram/gret_chen_chen
I sit there. My hand resting on the mouse has frozen. I drop the congealed chocolate orange I had been holding - in my other hand. I had been eating it like an apple. It bounces on the hard wooden desk before dropping with a thud to the carpet. I make a mental note to remember to pick it up before the dog gets to it. My mouth agape I continue to stare at the screen. Unable to tear my eyes away from the headline that confronts me. 'Nose hair extensions are the next hot beauty trend everyone needs to try'. How could this be? I lose consciousness.
I wake. Head groggy, mouth dry. I try to focus on the unsettling sound that had roused me; low growling and very saliva-heavy gnawing. My eyes flutter open and I see my dog, inches from my face, attempting to wrap his embarrassingly small jaws around the chocolate orange. I shoo him away. And eat the remnants of the congealed chocolate orb myself. The sudden rush of glucose and cocoa is too much for my already startled body to take. I pass out again.
When I awake for a second time, it is dark out. I am nestled in bed, the covers wrapped tightly up to my chin. My landlord must have come in and tucked me into bed. I make a mental note to insist that he stop doing this or I will be forced to contact the relevant authorities.
I peer over at the only light piercing the murky darkness of my room - the soft glow from my computer screen. I can just about make out, but not 'with', the headline. 'Nose hair extensions are the next hot beauty trend everyone needs to try'. The date is October 7, 2017. I pass out once more, but this time, it's mostly just because I'm quite tired.
I don't know if you've ever had an experience of clairvoyance. Whether you've ever predicted something that turns out to come true, either as a deliberate assertion, or perhaps merely some frivolous comment in passing that somehow comes to fruition. If you have, then welcome to the club! Couple of rules to bear in mind, firstly, please take your shoes off when inside the club, secondly please make sure to dry your hands after using the washroom facilities, we've had a lot of complaints recently about some worryingly damp-handed clairvoyants knocking about. Also if you could help stack the chairs away when we're leaving the club that'd be very helpful as this room is used by a salsa class after us. Thank you.
If however you have not had the pleasure of seeing some prediction come to fruition, then let me tell you it can be a distressingly bizarre experience.
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For context. I used to work for another web based publication which had a large satire component. Occasionally, I would also submit one of the articles I had written for the site to a larger, universally recognised satire site, that had a much more substantial reader base than our site - which was mostly composed of however many of my relatives I could guilt into visiting it that day. While struggling to get anything published by them, I began to try write articles that I thought they would publish rather than simply ones I enjoyed writing and hoped they might publish.
As such, one of my submitted articles from around this time bore a headline along the lines of 'Kylie Jenner Announces Line Of Nasal Hair Extensions'. I had even thrown together a hastily photoshopped feature image.
It was never published, and so I thought nothing of it. However, when, several months later, on that fateful October day, I saw the headline for an article purporting that this frivolous beauty trend I'd made up was actually, at least in some small way, 'a thing', I - well, I've already described to you how I took the news.
I feel the phrase 'Nostradamus of the beauty world' gets thrown around a lot these days. As such, given that I feel I have legitimate claims to this title, I have hired a legal time to help me patent it and, on the presumption that I will be able to do so, have had several hundred business cards printed up in advance bearing this self-appointed accolade.
As for what's next in the world of beauty? Well, I'm predicting 2018's going to be the year of the denim balaclava. Buy one now, thank me later.
In the interests of full disclosure, here is the article I had written accompanying the headline. In hindsight the reason for its failing to be published probably has far more to do with its low low quality than anything else.
The youngest of the Jenner-Kardashian brood, Kylie, has recently announced a perhaps surprising addition to her successful beauty line.
Kylie Cosmetics have unveiled an array of nasal hair extensions available from their website.
Eye-lashes and brows have for many years dominated the focus of facial hair in the female beauty market, but Kylie believes that it's now the time for often maligned nasal hair to step into the limelight.
“In 2017 it's all about having a natural body,” said Ms. Jenner at a press event announcing the new range, “We should be proud of who we are and that means being proud of every aspect of our bodies. It's silly to, for some reason, say that hair above your eyes can be sexy but for people to look at you like you're some kind of freak if you have a long, luxurious mane tumbling out of your nose like a beautiful hairy waterfall.”
The product description on the website says that the nasal hair extensions are designed to 'further enhance the beauty that already exists within you- specifically within each nostril. Each flowing lock of hair contains discreet clips which securely attach the extensions to the hairs that line each nostril. It is recommended to use a tweezers or the small hands of a child to assist in this finicky process though.'
However, the range of extensions have already come into controversy after it has been alleged that the hair used in the product has been sourced illegally. It has been claimed that Kylie Cosmetics are obtaining the hair by paying Chinese prison camps to shave the heads of their prisoners; this hair is then shipped over to America where it is later dyed and processed.
“Don't worry,” said Ms. Jenner when these allegations were levelled at her, “We like totally wash the hair first so you can barely tell where it's come from.” Entirely missing the point of contention.
