An unplanned pregnancy might be the only thing worse than The Voice of Ireland, and If you can't have sex, then you can't get her pregnant. Here are the ten best ways not to get a girl knocked up.
Wear clothes from Quicksilver
Has anyone wearing a Quicksilver jumper ever had a chance to get a girl pregnant? No, because girls are more attracted to Cee Lo Green than they are to men wearing Quicksilver jumpers.
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Play your guitar at a session
Girls aren't going to want a Southern Fried Dickin' if you're a big wanker who plays the guitar at sessions and wants to be in the Coronas.
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Use the phrase 'Southern Fried Dickin'
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It is a really cool saying but I reckon most girls just wouldn't appreciate it.
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Use the chat up line "I'm not Bob Marley, but I wouldn't mind Jammin' me cock up your arse."
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It is an hilarious thing to say but again most girls won't appreciate it.
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Wear Jean shorts
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No girl has ever said "Unzip those JEANS SHORTS baby and give me what I need."
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Wear some Cheese and Onion crisp aftershave
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If you bang of cheese and onion crisps you shouldn't be allowed to procreate.
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Eat a turnip in front of her
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Turnips are so sick and hilarious and unattractive, except to people from Donegal, where it's not celebrities or GAA stars that have the pick of the women, but the winner of the counties bi-annual Turnip eating competition.
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Shake her hand vigorously when you meet her for the first time
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You will never fuck her if you treat her like your uncle. If you treat her like your dad's brother and shake her hand and talk to her about how Paudy O'Shea scored 2-5 agains't Rathoath last weekend or how to trim your nose hairs or whatever you talk to your uncle about you won't have much of a shot.
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Have erectile dysfunction
If you have the inability to get or maintain a good oul' bone you have no chance of getting her pregnant sure.
There we go, I hope this saved some people from unplanned pregnancies, but remember, condoms are only 98% effective against pregnancy, if you're looking for 100% effectiveness, opt for the jean shorts.
