So you've finished exams, the summer is upon us but you were too poor to go on a J1 and the thought of trying to squeeze yourself into a bikini in Magaluf for two weeks makes you shudder. Are you coming to terms with the fact that the highlight of your summer may in fact be the trip to Kerry to see your bipolar Aunt? But wait, there's still hope, tiz the season of festivals! If you're a festival virgin, here are some of the types of people you might come across.
When you go to a Festival, you're leaving reality behind and entering your own little community. Now I'm not saying it resembles a 'Walking Dead- Woodburyesque' commune. However you may look like a zombie when it comes to day 3.
1) The Post Leaving Cert Posse
They have just finished the hardest exams they'll ever have to do. They are finally getting a taste of freedom, away from their parents, 3 days of being able to drink, shift and catch whatever sexually transmitted disease they like. You can spot the infamous Leaving Cert Lads by how they travel in large packs. The mad bastards will have brought a beer bong, and that other legend will be wearing a straw hat. MAD! One will have most likely passed out before the bands have even started and this poor chap will have more willies drawn on his face then one would have thought possible. These hardy bucks have one thing in mind. They are getting themselves a young wan in the tent before the weekend is over. Normally these types of people would have been quarantined to Oxegen, however without it this year, who knows where they might turn up.
2) The Girly Weekend
It's pretty self explanatory, a group of girls catching up for the weekend. Strictly no boys allowed, however that rule will shortly go out the window when it comes to pitching up the tent. Now within the girly weekenders, each girl will have a certain part to play. There will be the Mammy of the group, the one who makes sure everyone gets back to the tent safely, fights off the advances of the leaving cert lads and they will more than likely carry a mini first aid kit in their bag. Then there is the weepy drunk girl. She is most likely why this girly weekend was called into action. She may have just broken up with her boyfriend and someone thought that three days of excessive drinking and poor choices would be a great place to put her. Then there will be the dumped girl's worst enemy; the loved up friend. She came simply because it was her duty to. She will spend the weekend, drunkenly phoning her one true love until of course, her battery dies on her phone and then she will subsequently join her dumped friend in pools of tears. There’s also the, 'wildcard'. This girl will have a tendency to simply run away a lot. She'll piss everyone else off by bringing lads back to the tent and generally not keeping to the oath of the girly weekend. She will be the Leaving Cert lad’s best friend. There was a reason for the beer bong!
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3) The Pilled Up Peeps
Probably the easiest group of people to spot at any festival. They will more than likely look like a cow on ecstasy chewing cud. Their hair will look like it has been glued to their foreheads. Their dance moves are next to none and it doesn't even matter what music is on or if there is any at all. They will be moving like they're walking on hot coal. Be wary though, if you happen to be next to them when they start whipping their hair back and forth, you might think a sprinkler has gone off behind you. They may have an image of themselves looking like a slow motion video synopsis of Project X but they are more likely to look like three fat lads dancing to Gangam Style in a steam room. Your only line of contact with them will be them asking you for chewing gum.
4) It's All About the Music Guys
'It's all about the music guys' are of a different breed to the rest of us. Festivals and concerts are their life. They have friends that they only see at festivals. Don't expect them to associate with any of the people mentioned above. They will have everything they need for their perfect weekend. They keep to themselves and are generally always happy. Don't worry if you're camped beside them and smell strange aromas coming from inside their little cave. When they do come out for air don't be worried if it looks like they're trying to stare you down. The sun is incredibly bright for their sensitive disposition.
5) The Drunken Festival Goer
This type of drunkard is different from the Leaving Cert Lads and the Girly Weekenders; they don't associate with the pilled up heads or the tokers in the tent made out of hemp. They are most likely that little bit older and are quite accustomed to hard core drinking for a full weekend. They are not going to be traipsing in with a crate of Dutch Gold or a case of Linden Village. No these guys have a bit more class then that. These guys will be coming in with cartons of wine, rekorderlig and the finest beers possible. That is until they get to security, realise that you can't bring in glass, so run to the nearest supermarket and grab themselves a couple of cases of Heineken. These guys don't need gimmicks like beer bongs to get their drunk on.
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6) Parent Trap
The parents. The people who don't care if they're going to a place full of drunken, randy teenagers. They're either there because they would like to relive some of their youth or their daughter is there and they simply don't trust her morals. Either way, people generally don't like to camp next to them. These grooving grandparents can go of either two ways. The first way is that as soon as that festival band went on their wrist they immediately regretted their decision. They spend the weekend with a look of pure disgust stamped on their face. They utter the words, 'What has gotten into this generation? Who are their parents?' They will stand as far back as possible, simply observing. They will leave bright and early Sunday morning, collect their kids and never let them out of their sight ever again.
Now the other extreme is when these people, forget everything they've learned in their lives and go back to when they were 18. They spend the weekend trying to prove that they are still hip and cool with the kids. They'll probably do a few beer bongs and dance with the pilled up lads in the DJ tent. They'll call in sick to work on the Monday so they can rest their back in the nearby hotel and nurse their bruised egos. Will they let on that this is what happened? Absolutely not, if their kids ask how it was, it was the best weekend of their lives and due to that they won't be able to look after the grandkids the next weekend. That hip is bound to be still hurting.
7) The Loner
The loner could be from any number of groups. They weren't always a loner. It might be one of the lads, running after the scent of a young one which tragically didn't amount to anything, he finds himself alone in the middle of a field. The wildcard, after having a monstrous row with the gals has now attached herself to a group of eligible bachelors; she gets on with guys’ way more anyway. The worst of all is the poor yoke popper himself. People in this situation will generally abandon attempts of trying to find their own friends and latch on to anyone who looked at them in the eye. They may start just by asking general questions so they can use something you have in common with them for clinging on to you like a toddler. Where are you from? What's your favourite colour? But just as soon as they came into your life, they're gone again, on to bigger and better things.
8) The Miserable One
When they first thought of going to a music festival they thought of blue skies and sun. They had an image of everyone laughing, dancing in slow motion, everyone having flowers in their hair and all the boys in peak physical condition, they would run around with sparklers in their hands at night. They forgot they were in Ireland where it rains for nearly two thirds of the year. They hate the music, they hate the people, and they hate their horrible smelly tent. They're soaked for the whole weekend and somehow they forgot to bring anything practical. Flower headbands are a nice idea but unless it can transform itself into an umbrella, you're out of luck.
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9) The Cigarette Burner
The most obnoxious of all festival goers. Even fellow smokers hate these people. They make sure they're in the thick of all the action, light up their cigarette and wave their arms in the air like they just don't care, burning everyone at arm’s length. We don't need people like this in our lives.
10) The Unnatural
These girls are just the worst. They are living in the same shanty town as you, they have the same washing facilities as you yet they simply walk into their tent, do whatever voodoo they know and they emerge from their little abode like a goddess from a Veet add. Remain oblivious to these people. They will bring nothing but heartache into your life.
The Last Day
By the end of your festival experience, everyone has become one. You must all now go back into the real world and question your moral compass. Get to the nearest laptop to make sure you haven't in some shape or form gained some sort of celebrity status. You all smell horrific, eaten some very questionable burgers and now you have to somehow survive the dodgy trip home where you can further question the decisions you made in the past weekend.
