Often times in college it’s the small things that make a huge difference. Hearing the kettle boil when you’re gasping, setting your morning alarm for an hour later, coming home to find the heating is already on.... Ah yes, we college students love the small things. However in the same way as certain things can bring us happiness, just one foot out of place can make our blood boil and our eyes twitch. No-one knows that better than the people we live with and they’re always looking for a way to get under our skin. Here are 11 fool-proof ways to piss off your housemates:
1) Don't replace the toilet roll.
It's 8:45am on a Monday morning. Your housemate is running late for their 9am lab in the building at the far side of campus. They shovel the last spoon of Weetabix down their throat before bursting out through the kitchen door and into the bathroom for their daily morning wizz. The door has barely locked when you hear the familiar “FUCK” echo through the hallway. You know damn well who left one sheet on the roll of toilet paper and you’re not sure whether you should chuckle quietly to yourself or bow your head in shame.
2) Leave gone off food in the fridge.
You know it’s gone too far when the packet of mushrooms you once upon a time bought, have transformed into one giant fungus. Don’t even deny that they're not yours; everyone has their own space in the fridge and that, my friend, is your shelf. If you leave it there any longer your housemates will be obliged to burn your shelf, if that's even possible.
3) Dirty the microwave.
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There’s always that one housemate that is fucking obsessed with keeping the microwave spick and span. Want to really get under their skin? Heat a bowl of tomato soup in the microwave but leave it in for a lot longer than it should be. The tin recommends two minutes? Try six. And don’t cover the bowl. That ought to leave a few splatters on the inside for your housemate to scrub clean.
4) Leave the TV on when you leave the room.
I know for a fact that this will piss your housemates off. There’s nothing worse than coming in the front door and hearing the TV is on upstairs, only to find there’s no-one in the kitchen and you’re actually on your own. Not to mention the bloody electricity bill. Angry face.
5) Half wash everything at best.
I am in no way endorsing this one because I know all too well how frustrating it is finding a fork in the drawer with bits of someone’s dinner still stuck on. If you are willing to face the wrath of the entire house, then not cleaning your used dishes and cutlery is a viable option. Sometimes, though, only half cleaning a plate is worse than not cleaning it at all, so make your move tactfully.
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6) Mop up your milk spills with a tea towel.
For some reason beyond my knowledge, tea towels are a sacred item in any college house and should be salvaged and used efficiently. Grabbing the nearest piece of fabric when you spill milk or orange juice is an understated sin amongst housemates. Plus, it could just as easily bite you in the nibbly bits when you’re drying your favourite mug with a tea towel drenched in three-day-old milk stains. *Vom*
7) Clean the greasy frying pan with the good scrubber.
Another cherished household utensil is the one decent scrubber that gives the best overall results in the cleaning department. Everyone recognises the sheer value attached to this scrubber and visitors to the house know better than to use it without approval. So yeah, take to the greasy, oil-stained frying pan with the good scrubber and you’ll most certainly get a mouthful and a half.
8) Leave cupboard doors open in the kitchen.
If your housemates have strong OCD tendencies, they will undoubtedly notice when you leave a cupboard door swinging open above the cooker. The first time they are not likely to say anything about it, they’ll simply shut the door themselves. The second time they’ll look around the room to try and spot the culprit. The third time in one evening and their blood pressure is steadily rising. You leave that cupboard door open a fourth time and I swear you'll die.
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9) Open the windows when the heating is on.
College houses are near-impossible to heat as it is, so leaving even just one window open will not go down well at all. Your housemates will already be wearing two pairs of socks, walking around in a blanket cape and using three hot water bottles at a time. If they spot that open window, you’d better hope someone in the kitchen is in the middle of cooking, or else....
10) Forget your house key on a regular basis.
Generally speaking, most housemates are decent human beings. If you lose or forget your house key the odd time, they will be there to let you in out of the rain. But if you start to lose your key more than once a week, the chances of them ignoring the doorbell and your calls are greatly heightened. Especially when you interrupt their only lie-in of the week.
11) Set your alarm loud enough for everyone to hear.
No-one else wanted to be woken by the buzzing of your alarm at 7am for a morning shower? Oh, well you were just being a thoughtful, considerate housemate, weren’t you? Housemates that wake together, live together again next year, right?
